it's never easy going through a breakup. you go through a drastic change, something inevitable. i am really not sure if james ingram was honest enough to say that there's no easy way to break somebody's heart. but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt just to make things quite equal and justify the other side. so who suffers more, the one who was left behind or the one who has left the other? it's a case to case basis, i know. but whatever the reason for the breakup, whether you wanted it or not, it can turn your world upside down.
on the 8th day of July this year, my friend Den sent me a message saying i should check her blog entry on 8 Things You Should Stop Doing After A Breakup . she said we were both guilty. yes i agreed.
but during the course of our conversation, i ended up contradicting instead and eventually defended my actions.
we actually do things just to feel okay and just simply take our minds away from reality. but the sad truth is, at the end of the day it is still there and it won't go. no one really knows what's the best thing to do. there are definitely no shortcuts, no step-by-step instructions to follow. no i won't give tips on how to move on. i am not in the right position to do that. i believe advices are only given by experts, not by mere individuals who just have the feeling of know-how. besides, i'm still coping up with whatever that is left of me.
THE SCRIPT said in one of their songs that...
YOU'RE DOING ALL THESE THINGS OUT OF DESPERATION.
- reading books
- watching shows
- meditating and even hypnotizing anything to take it off your mind
- hit the drinking, take the toll, watch the past go up in smoke
- fake a smile
- lie and say you're better now than ever and your life's okay when it's not
- you tell your friends, strangers too, anyone who'll throw an arm around you
- tarot cards, gems and stones, believing all this shit's gonna heal your soul
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
oh well, the band was right with all those things. i have my own share of desperate moves just to take my mind off things. i go out alone and do some binge eating for comfort, have a bottle or two just to put some numbness within, go to classes just to distract my mind so as not to think much, try new things that will make me feel good about myself. but of all things, my fave thing to do is travelling alone when my heart gets broken, that's for me to think things over while carrying the hope of finding myself. i go to places far from home. it kinda gives me a sense of comfort being away from the usual. it actually feels liberating to know that i can do things on my own. it's having the initiative to decide for myself and do whatever i want.
there is no exact time frame for you to heal. healing takes time. you just have to be patient. there must me an internal clock within. only you will know when that time comes. only you will know when you are ready. only you will know when is the best time that you can.
Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief that are just as relevant to the normal range of feelings people have when they are dealing with change.
- DENIAL. this is what initially happens. normally, if you are the one who got dumped, you begin to pretend that it's not happening. and that if you try to ignore it, maybe it will go away and thing will be normal again. you begin to convince yourself that there is no truth to the breakup.
- ANGER. when you realize that things are actually happening, denial eventually turns to anger. you now then try to find someone else to blame for the misfortune. you now try to make a monster out of the person who broke your heart. it's normal. sometimes, you will even make a big deal with the slightest mistake he made.
- BARGAINING. it is an attempt to postpone the inevitable. it's trying to find ways on how to get out of the situation.you now begin to make secret deals with God. i will do this.. i will do that.. just give him back..
- DEPRESSION. eventually, you will realize that bargaining will not stop what is actually happening. now the feeling of worthlessness sets in. you don't want other people to know that your relationship finally ended and that you are afraid of what people would think or say. at this point you are aware of the losses that the split up brings. then you feel sad and depressed. you now begin to question your self-worth, giving justifications of why the person dumped you. well good memories hurt more than the bad ones, that's a fact.
- ACCEPTANCE. when you finally realize that things have really come to an end, acceptance sets in. here you begin to consider options. you begin to accept that things have changed and that you just have to live with it. you begin to accept that things will never be the same again and that it's time to make a brand new start.
When Kubler-Ross wrote about these stages she was very careful to explain that these are normal reactions we have to tragic news. In fact she called them defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms. And this is exactly what they are when we apply the model to coping with change.
We don't move through the stages one at a time, in a neat, linear, step by step manner. That would be far too easy! What happens is that we occupy different stages at different times and can even move back to stages we have been in before. Kubler-Ross said the stages can last for different periods of time and will replace each other or exist at times side by side.
-http://www.change-management-coach.com
i was never at the anger stage. honestly, i sometimes feel bad for praying for anger to set in. i want to pass this stage cause i know moving on will be a lot easier if that happens. there's no perfect way to do it, i know. cause we all have different views on things. it actually makes me sad when people begin to tell me that i should let go and forget or ask me what's taking me so long to move on. i just don't get it when they say it as if it is that easy. it is somewhat sending me some power pressure to do something that i myself is unsure that i'm ready to do. it's not about how long it will take right? but it's what this journey will make out of me in the future. the important thing is, i'm learning and that i'm trying to take things the best mature way i can think of. there is a right time and place for everything. and i know for a fact that only a few people would understand where i'm coming from. i don't expect everybody else to understand me though. things have changed and things will never be the same after this. but for now i want something in mind to happen, a formal farewell. if it's really meant to end, then i just wish for a decent ending. it may not be necessary for others to think but i would think it would work for me. i don't have the hold of the future. but if it's destiny that writes and directs the entire show, i would gladly wait for my scene to come, memorize my script and deliver it well.
oh no there's no starting over
without finding closure
you take them back
no hesitation
that's when you know you've reached
the sixth degree of separation
Live, so you do not have to look back and say: 'God, how I have wasted my life'.
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.(1926-2004)
