7 Things I Learned From Not Having Facebook For 10 Days

Sometimes we have those moments where we just want to disconnect ourselves with the world for no particular reason but just the mere want to do it. I have done this more than a couple times... taking flights somewhere, dining wherever, running, one bottle sessions, just whatever things I could possibly do alone. I just love that warm feeling it gives me and the realizations that come with it.

Recently, when i came back from my short trip to Turkey i got really sick. It was my first time to go to the doctor here and first ever to be given a 2-day sick leave certificate. Not being well lasted for days or should i say weeks. Plus a lot of things were literally stressing me out. Eventually, i decided to do a little break. I deactivated my facebook account hoping i could take a little rest and somewhat cut away from the temptation of staying late chatting, and snooping on somebody else's wall.

I guess it did me good. And here are the reasons.

7 Things I Learned From Not Having Facebook For 10 Days

1. You will know who actually cares when you suddenly go MIA. Let's admit it! We have hundreds (even thousands) of facebook friends running from acquaintances, family, travel friends, not so close and close friends to bffs. A number of them will not check your account on regular basis. They will just be reminded of your existence when you change your profile picture and make posts which basically show in their new feeds. Thus, only a small percent will try to look for you when they figure it out that you are missing. A lot will not even notice.
2. It is too hard to talk to people you want to talk to especially when the only means you have is facebook messenger. Not all of your friends have your Whatsapp, Viber, Skype or even your new mobile number (well, communicating thru sms and phone calls every now and then would be very expensive if you are staying in a different country). Now here's how facebook should really work, connecting people. That's something to be thankful for.
3. Life is easier when you don't concern yourself with what everybody else is doing. Ugly truth, 90% of our time on facebook is technically for checking other people's lives. We spend most of our time checking on our newsfeeds. New photos, videos, status updates of friends  take much of our time. Sometimes, we get too affected of posts we see that our emotions are greatly affected which greatly changes our mood for the rest of the day. Sometimes we should not be affected but we do.
4. Not posting about your personal life means no complaints later on how people should mind their own business. Your thing is your thing. But if you post it on facebook, it becomes everybody's thing. Should i say more?
5. What you don't know won't hurt you. Oh well, my friends already know me with that line. It's nothing new. But when you feel you are too good in finding things,  it's just too hard to stop your FBI skills from working sometimes. You get those instincts that would get you clicking and going. But when you finally hit the jackpot, you would wish you didn't even log in in the first place. No facebooking, no checking, no hurting. Hahaha   
6. You can make your life as functional as you make it appear on facebook. Let's face the fact that while some people are washing their dirty linens in public, some will try to paint more colors into theirs. Some will get jealous on how happy other people's lives are and begin to compare it with theirs and eventually become inferior. Please be warned, not all the posts you see mirror reality. 
7. Be like a ninja. It is good to keep things in private. Everybody doesn't have to know everything you are doing. Leave no traces. Check but don't post. It makes life less complicated. I know a lot of people doing this, and i envy them much. 

So everything said. I always choose the option "It's temporary. I will be back." when deactivating. I need facebook for sure. But sometimes you have to reset the button to to keep it working well and serve it's purpose.  Let's see then when the next deactivation is due. Haha

Together Apart

In the course of living our lives, we meet a lot of people. Acquaintace or maybe more than that. A lot of them will just come and go, and there will be some who will leave special marks. I don't believe in pure coincidences, things happen because they have to happen.  We meet people because at some point, there is a need to meet them. Our paths are just fated to cross for certain reasons. Lucky for those who know exactly why. But most of the time, things gets a little mixed up which makes it hard to figure out why we had to meet on the first place. 

Sometimes fate works mysteriously. We get to meet people at the perfect time, and that is way too easy. But it doesn't always work that way. As i always say, SHIT HAPPENS! And without a doubt, timing is such a bitch.  By the start of this year i met somebody. It was a casual meeting. We  stayed at the same shop for days but barely talked. But a sudden twist of events happened. A simple "hi" started another story. 

Things were different after that. A long night of chatting about anything under the sun was inevitable.  We shared the same passion on things.. travels, adventures, running, everything. It was like i can see myself in him a lot. Guess that would be the reason why we talked almost every single day from then on. A sushi dinner date and a whole Friday night spent with him was just amazing. But my flight back was a few hours after. I thought that was the end of it. I sent him a message at the airport saying "see you when i see you." ... words from somebody who suck at goodbyes to somebody who i'm pretty sure i will not see again. I secretly hoped for another chance though. A chance that would only become a reality if fate would be good to me. And i guess the odds are on my side that time.

His friend made plans of  going to Boracay, just in time for my valentine trip with friends there. And so definitely we will meet again. But fate was extra good to me that time. After our talks, he decided to go to my city for a few days just before the Boracay trip. Doing things together on our separate lists was really fun. Spending time with him made me feel comfortably happy and at home. We were inseparable in a sense that even his friend got jealous cos he thought he was spending more time with me. We had happy moments together. We like doing the same things without faking it. We were simply enjoying the NOW rather than worrying about the what ifs. It was happiness in a surprise.

It was only during our last night together in Boracay that everything was sinking in to me. He gave me my first ever valentine date. An italian dinner by the sea. He didn't know that was exactly what i wanted. I told him nothing. But that's what i got. He made me really happy even more.  Being with him in Cebu, Davao and Boracay made me realize a lot of things. For just a few days of being together, i didn't realize somebody would make me miss a lot... doing things together, cuddling, kissing or just simply doing nothing and just being happy together. I never told him that at that time. He asked me a lot of times what i was thinking cos maybe he caught me staring blanky at the sea that night. I just kept saying NOTHING. I lied. At that point i didn't want the night to end. I wanted to freeze time. I was crying inside knowing that when the sun rises tomorrow everything will end with it.  For the first time i doubted my decision to leave the Philippines. At that point i didn't want to leave. Honestly, i was too happy to leave. And the thought that i might not get another chance of having that kind of bliss scared me. At that moment i just wanted to be with him and i just didn't want to let go. 

Shit happens. There was no way of escaping reality. I had to leave, he has to stay. And the only chance i could get is one more night in Cebu before i finally leave the country. Again the odds were with me. He ditched the plan of going with his friend to Oslob just to spend  a few more hours with me. It was heaven and hell at the same time. It was surely another happy moment to add up but the thought of letting go of everything in a few hours is eating me up. I was too afraid. I suck at goodbyes and worst, i didn't want to say goodbye. The final moment we had at the airport was torture. I wanted to be with him more. But it was time to leave and with that was the greater chance of not seeing him again. I never told him anything about what was really going on. I was too afraid that he was seeing things differently. I was too afraid that i would only set my hopes high that there would be a possibility of being US even with the miles in between and eventually  get disappointed because it wouldn't happen.  I never heard his side of the story. 

All communication lines were surprisingly still open after that. Everyday we sent messages to each other. He even tried to go to Malaysia to see me. Effort was well appreciated for sure. When i got to UAE we still talked....  whatsapp, viber, skype and even regular sms...everyday... He said he even got to the point of looking for a way to do his diving course here. But i guess it was not really meant to be. And some good things are really not meant to last. The distance issue slowly surfaced. The reality of being not together is growing. And the fact that things will never be possible with the miles in between is clouding the happy moments of the past. I am beginning to believe that long distance relationships don't really work. I never realized that even after the failure of my 7-year long distance relationship. Maybe because i have always believed that it is better to be truly happy with someone than just being comfortable with anybody available. And that I was trapped in the notion that it was always the quality of time spent together not the quantity. But the truth is, it doesn't work as how simple as it may look. It just couldn't be unless one, if not both, will take a risk of changing the course of fate. It is just too impossible now. Guess you can't really get everything that you want. And i didn't realize that a simple "hi" would end  up with a complicated "goodbye".  True, what happens after we meet up for a few weeks? Another endless waiting for the uncertain. It would be hard especially when you really want to be with that somebody for real. Even skype cannot replace that. The urge of being together should be greater than just the mere liking. There can never be a real relationship if two people are not sure of what they really want and go after it. Things will never work unless both decide to take risks and try to make things work. It will only work if both of you will make it work. It takes two to tango.  Yes, i always say that we always have choices... It's just a YES or a NO... no ifs, no buts... But sometimes, our choices would depend on things we don't have control over with. And that's when choices make us. By then, taking chances is all we can do.

My happy times with him may only be memories of the past. I am not sure but it is better to think things that way. It will be an unfinished business for now.  And i am not sure if it would be better to leave it that way or not. Lets just see what happens to us. I guess we both need time to realize if we both want to take risks and spend time with each other again or not. I guess we both need time away to realize if everything is worth all these shit and that being happy together is better than being happy with somebody else. Reality check...we are two different people, having two different lives, in two different parts of the world, having two different realities around us and were just given a few amazing weeks to make happy memories together. I was really happy with him, i have never been happier. It was like my soul has become at home within his company. But it was obviously not enough. His like for me was not enough for him to take a big move. My fondness of him is not enough to take the risk of going with the consequences of giving everything up here. Time and distance have become my enemies. Fate has already decided. And the odds are  no longer with me. He asked me why do i still like him after everything and i answered him in an instant..."i don't know.  If i only had a choice why would i complicate my life instead of making it simple. I never thought i would like you this much and who would have thought we would come this far." We can never choose who will enter our lives and much more who will be special to us. Out of nowhere at an unexpected time, it just happens. That is the magic  of it. He was part of my legend and i was part of his that's why our paths crossed. I just don't know if we still are and will still be. Maybe there was a need for the two of us to meet. If the two of us were not meant to stay in touch for these past few months then everything should have ended after the sushi date. But it didn't. Maybe we needed each other at that certain point in time. And maybe there is a reason of losing each other now. So if we are meant to meet again, we will meet again. What's meant to happen will happen. It is just a big case of bad timing. It is a case of being TOGETHER APART. And this is our story. 

and this will forever remind me of the US there never was..

32 Things I Learned from Life in 32 Years

The Number Thirty-Two... what's with that number? Oh well, today, I just turned 32, my first ever birthday away from home. and i think getting a year older is a blessing.. And since i always do something for my birthday, so i decided to make a list of what life has taught me all these years.

Here is a list of my 32 Things I Learned from Life in 32 Years:

1. Life is Beautiful. We may forget it at our down times, but it still is.
2. Take vacations. Go to as many places as you can. You can always make money, you can't always make memories.
3. SHIT happens.
4. It's GOOD TO BE BAD sometimes.
5. It's all in the mind. Your way of thinking will always affect your life.
6. Sometimes when you break the rules, you make everything right.
7. Take photos as much as possible. You can always go back to the same place over and over, you can always do things again and again... but you can never get that same experience and memory twice.
8. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. You can try it your way but if nothing happens after that, stop forcing or else you will just inflict more injury to the injured.. better leave it to FATE.
9. Sometimes, a HUG is all that you need. 
10. In the end, family is still family and friends can be family too.
11. Not all of your friends are TRUE. The masks will wear off in time. Don't expect much.
12. You can't always be nice. Sometimes you have to set boundaries. People will take advantage of you if you don't.
13. You don't have to tell the truth ALL THE TIME. Some things are meant to be kept.
14. Small things mean a lot. Even a simple "hi" will change your mood for the rest of the day.
15. You can't always get what you want.
16. Sometimes when you are angry, you have the right to be angry.
17. At some point in your life, YOU WILL GO CRAZY OVER LOVE, VERY CRAZY!
18. Never forget the child in you. Sometimes we make our own complications in life. Life was always simple back in our childhood days. It's always good to be happy even with just little treats and candies.
19. You can never be too sure about anything.
20. Take Chances. If you think you have all the time, YOU ARE WRONG! There are some things that you will not be able to do next time. Regrets will always come later.
21. Never take for granted omens along the way. Keep your eyes open. Be alert on the warning signs. 
22. It's not always about money, it should always be about what makes you happy.
23. You have to have time for yourself. Travel alone, get lost, explore, meet people, do absolutely nothing or do everything you want... just then, you will find yourself and you will know what you really want in life without other people telling you.
24. Change is a must. But be sure you are ready for whatever!
25. We always have a CHOICE, ALWAYS. And sometimes, we have to choose between what we want to happen from what should be done. Trust me, it will make you crazy!
26. Some things are better left unsaid. Cos WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU!
27. Letting go is never easy. Saying GOODBYE will either hurt one or both of you. Until now, i honestly suck at it.
28. The WHAT IFs are inevitable. Sooner or later you will realize you could have done this instead of that. It's normal. Just don't dwell on it much.
29. Emotions are contagious. Go with happy people, they will make you happy.
30. Never get too attached to something which isn't yours. Letting go would be torture.
31. Most of the time the best way to help is to just listen. You will never fully understand things unless we become them. It will always be a case to case basis. 
32. It is not with the quantity of time but the quality of time that you were together. Even a seven-year relationship cannot be compared to a month of pure bliss. The feeling of being at home is what matters.

I don't know if everybody would agree on all of these but this is definitely the way i see life now. Let's just LIVE, LOVE and be HAPPY!!! and that's all i wish for my birthday today... 

Mt. Apo : Reaching The Top

      "Mount Apo is a large solfataric, potentially-active stratovolcano in the island of Mindanao, Philippines. With an altitude of 3,412 metres (11,194 ft) above sea level, it is the highest mountain in the country and is located between Davao City and Davao del Sur province in Region XI and Cotabato province in Region XII. The peak overlooks Davao City 40 kilometres (25 mi) to the northeast, Digos City 25 kilometres (16 mi) to the southeast, and Kidapawan City 20 kilometres (12 mi) to the west.

        Apo, which means "ancestor", is flat-topped mountain with three peaks and is capped by a 500-metre-wide (1,600 ft) volcanic crater containing a small crater lake. The date of its most recent eruption is unknown, and none are verified in historical times.

      The volcano is one of the most popular climbing destinations in the Philippines with the summit, on the average, takes two days to reach. The first recorded climb was on October 10, 1880, by a party led by Joaquin Rajal, then Spanish governor of Davao."~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Apo

i have always wanted to reach the top of it . i have always wished that someday i could somewhat converse with mr. sun a bit closer while he sits quietly over the bed of clouds.  i have always had this strong desire to experience the great adventure of looking at the world in a different perspective.

finally, it happened! 

March 27-31, 2013. Malumpini - Mt. Apo Route

my tag all throughout the journey

meet kaykay... the mountain dog... 
she trekked with us until she reached her home.. 
i just wish someday Niji can come with me too...

hello jinibibi... she's the lady who tagged me along.. so thankful!

our colorful socks and gloves to fight the cold nights

breakfast at the camp...

walking in paradise...

almost there but not quite..

i don't drink sodas that much.. but it's a relief that they sell some at the mountains..
beating the scorching heat while on trail break...

mt. apo summit... almost!

guess who climbed the peak too.. hello there butchokoy!

tres marias on top...

and yes... without a doubt.. i finally reached the peak!!!

happy girl in her happy place...


MT. APO THROUGH MY EYES
seeing the beauty of nature from my point of view

indeed... when you want something so bad, all the universe conspires to make it happen!

i'm so in love with you Mr. Sun... always and forever!!!

it's time to go down now...

our ride, the jeepney...

AND WE CONQUERED IT TOGETHER...
thank you for tagging me along...
very much thankful for the experience
and the new set of friends i gained...

TAKE VACATIONS.
GO AS MANY PLACES AS YOU CAN.
YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE MONEY,
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS MAKE MEMORIES!

YOLO!

Checking on my Bucket List for 2013

it's the first day of the year again. and as usual, it's time to do a little checking on my list. let's see if i scored fairly this time.

TARGET for 2013

• go back to running (oh yeah! indoor and outdoor running!)
• have more travels  and never forget to bring home pictures frames with names and ref magnets (i have a lot of places in mind like Boracay, Palawan, Ilocos, Dubai, Thailand) (Puerto Princesa, El Nido,  Boracay, Siargao, Cebu, Kota Kinabalu... no frames though cos they don't have those little one with names.. sigh)
• go diving again 
• do a run with Niji 
• watch PBA Live again (Ginebra baby!!!)
• eat Sushi and have a seafood buffet
• go to PALAU
• go firing
• have my license and drive (have to get a new SP though)
• attend lots of weddings (already lost count of my 27 dresses target..lol)
• get flat abs even for a while... lol ( hahahaha... i'll cross this one for a reason. lol)
• try curling my hair
• treat a total stranger
• do an outreach program
• do rockclimbing
• do pictorials again
• get myself a new phone (if i don't these messages will forever be with me.. lol... plus lost a letter on the keypad while we were in Boracay..hahaha) (plus i finally got an iPad. yay!)
• finally do an inverted zip
• buy a rainbow cake for myself
• jump off the cliff of Ariel's Point Boracay (ultimate wish since bungee jumping is way out of reach)
• bring Niji to a grooming salon and get her some doggie stuffs
• have some swimsuits (the more the merrier. hahaha)
• have more froggy stuffs
• have a decent conversation about anything under the sun with somebody i totally don't know
• do some NEW and EXCITING stuffs (life is an adventure ayt?lol)

WOW! too many travels, too many exciting stuffs. i did more than half of my list. 2013 had been really good to me. Happy much!

My Bucket List for Life 

soul-searching even for a week or two  (isa lang ang masasabi ko, magastos akong mag-emote! ubosan ng yaman ang peg. LOL. Cebu-Dumaguete on 2009, Cebu on 2011, Iloilo on 2012, Boracay on 2013)

experience the thrill of sky-diving/ parasailing

go to CAMSUR and do wake-boarding (did wake-boarding at Deca though)

reach the top of Mt. Apo  (yay! i finally reached the top on March 2013!)

play with dolphins in SUBIC.  ( had the chance to go to Subic with patty,mac and gary.. i haven't played with the dolphins but still i can consider it done, that's for going to Subic and watching the dolphin show..)

have my own license in diving

go to PALAWAN (wow! i didn't realize i went there twice on 2013..  on January and May!wooooot!)

swim with jellyfishes in PALAU and eat at Rainbow Grill

go on a Caribbean cruise

go back to Siargao and surf (Siargao surfing on May 2013 it is!)

experience Boracay (August 2011)

go bungee jumping

do rock climbing

play paintball

go pole dancing

learn how to swim

have a real tattoo

have a real valentine date

have my own laptop. (i have my HP mini, my Samsung Tab and an iPad)

have xbox and a pro camera. (Nikon D3100. i won't give up my other cams.. NEVER!)

 pursue a medical carreer. (finally got my license!)

work abroad 

drive my own car (the bigger the better.lol.) actually i'm into pick-ups but i do want to have a Super Grandia and a mini cooper too.. extremes ayt?!

have a tour around the Philippines. ( i just love travelling but i prefer doing it by plane though)

visit Disneyland and Hollywood. ( 2010 Hong Kong Disneyland adventure it is!)

own a condo unit

have my own house by the sea

have my own NUDE painting

have my pictures taken by the windmills

eat Batac empanada again

go up in a hot-air balloon

visit Hundred Islands

give to a charity anonymously

visit El Nido and Coron again

learn to speak a foreign language 

find a job i love

watch a PBA game LIVE. (2011 oh yeah! i luv GINEBRA!) 

sleep at SHANGRILA HOTEL.. an overnight stay will do ;-) (it was not actually an overnight stay but i had a buffet dinner at Shangrila Boracay with Tutet and Ojie last June 2012. i would count that in. lol)

do an outreach program. (actually, i want to be the Philippine's ANGELINA JOLIE... a woman with the beauty and the heart ;-)  been running on the road for a cause.. that would count ayt?)

have my own coffee shop

have a vacation in HAWAII.. i soooo love the place... i wish i could go there soon..

have a birthday party full of veges and seafoods had a post birthday dinner with Umangs Cebu and my little sissy at AA's bbq last August 2012

stargazing on the beach shore and think of nothing yes this is the best part. i could do it all night at the shores of Boracay. this is one of the reasons why i keep coming back to the place i call home.

spend days with my man on a yacht and a private island

recieve a surprise romantic proposal and get engaged

get married (i want it intimately done)

go on honeymoon in Greece

have a baby

SOME REVISIONS on my wishlist :

• i said in my 2008 list that i want them BEFORE i reach 30.. but i changed my mind.. getting married, having a honeymoon and a baby needs some rearrangements..in the near future i guess..lol...i still have to enjoy my single life cos when i finally get married, i want to stick with the married life.. no more going back to stuffs i missed during my bachelorette's journey... guess that would take some time.. besides, i still have to complete my 27 dresses..lol hope i get a lot wedding invites..lol
• i'll change honeymoon in GREECE to honeymoon in GREECE or BALI or MALDIVES or PARIS..lol

Target for 2014

• quit my job, pack then leave.
• have more travels and explore the world
• find a new job
• eat at least 10 foods that i will miss in the Philippines
• go on a weekend vacation alone
• be a mermaid
• have a real valentine date
• go back to the gym and run
• have my license/certificate in diving
• spend time with Niji and take lots pictures together
• have sushi dates
• go firing
• have a haircut
• buy a planner and start writing 
• attend lots of weddings (already lost count of my 27 dresses target..lol)
• get a bit sexier and buy a new pair of running shoes
• do random acts of kindness
• do an outreach program
• teach someone illiterate to read
• give to a charity anonymously
• buy food and give it to a homeless person
• do rockclimbing
• do pictorials again
• try dune bashing
• do a joy ride in a motorbike
• step out in the rain
• learn a new language
• learn to swim
• shower in a waterfall
• go whale-watching
• go pole dancing
• pamper myself
• learn how to take a compliment
• learn not to say yes when i really mean no
• do early morning runs in boracay
• walk on the beach
• send a message in a bottle
• try the flying fish ride in boracay
• become a tour guide even for a day
• treat a total stranger
• get myself a GO PRO Hero 3+ and an iphone
• finally do an inverted zip
• buy a rainbow cake for myself and Niji
• jump off a cliff or a diving board (Ariel's point is so impossible with barely 2 months left)
• have some swimsuits
• buy a watch
• buy myself a bouquet of flowers
• finish reading 2 books (don't blame me... i am not really a book reader. lol)
• have more froggy stuffs
• save some travel money
• date date din pag may time. hahaha
• give somebody a surprise gift
• party hard and get drunk
• go somewhere new
• sing a song in front of an audience
• ask someone i've only just met to go on a date
• sleep under the stars
• stay up all night long and watch the sun rise
• inspire somebody by living my life to the fullest
• have a decent conversation about anything under the sun with somebody i totally don't know
• give a free hug and kiss to a stranger. i want to carry a sign that says FREE HUGS.
• make somebody else's dream come true
• do some NEW and EXCITING stuffs (life is an adventure ayt?lol)

Let's Party Hard on 2014!!! 

YOLO!!!

Death of a Rose

i used to have the most beautiful roses at the office but today was different. a rose died with me. it was midnight when i came across a shocking news that made me somewhat question my self worth. the idea was open to me but i did not realize it could happen this soon. it was just unacceptable. 

so here's the scenario. he recently got married. yes, my past married his new girl last month. it felt like i was stabbed directly a hundred times straight to the heart when i came to know it. at that very moment, my heart skipped a beat. i could not breathe and literally i felt my heart crushed.at that moment, i died in an instant.

so what then if he got married? he's already part of my past, why should i be affected? before you judge me, please try to hear my side. he broke up with me last year. our seven-year long distance relationship officially ended on the last week of june 2012, informally. yes, informally. he broke up with me on a chat. he stopped talking to me when i started to confront him about something i found out, that i for sure had the right to know. i took his silence as an admission and his easiest way of saving his ass for something he could not find a perfect excuse with. that was on a february. i tried contacting him every possible way i could think of, bombarding him with messages on his phone and emails. for months i did that. what can you expect of me, people get crazy when they fall madly inlove right? then came june. right after my week in boracay, i got a little surprise again. this girl who happened to be a dermatologist in manila posted a picture of the two of them at his condo and made it her profile pic. reading the comments, it was pretty obvious that they are a couple. i believe the picture was taken in between december-january 2012 when we were still together. i tried to talk to him. sent him an email trying to ask for an explanation. but then again i failed. to get everybody on the right time frame, it was on June 24, 2012 that he finally sent me a message. we had a serious conversation over messenger.

IM Jun 24, 2012 6:34:59 PM

6:23:29 PM  G: Y

6:24:04 PM  ceangy: I have to ask you something

6:25:34 PM  G: Ano

6:26:25 PM  ceangy: Kayo na ba o tayo pa?

6:27:50 PM  G: Saan k ba

6:29:34 PM  G: Kala ko wala na tayo

6:30:06 PM  ceangy: Ha? I didnt know that

6:30:29 PM  ceangy: I waited for you to say it

6:30:40 PM  G: Hindi na tayo nag usap

6:30:55 PM  G: I think mas ok na ganun

6:31:01 PM  ceangy: U stopped talking

6:31:13 PM G: And u 2

6:31:30 PM  ceangy: U should have told me. I waited for u endlessly

6:31:47 PM  G: I cant say it

6:31:59 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:32:08 PM  G: Bec i like u a lot

6:32:31 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:32:39 PM  G: And we not leveling up

6:32:42 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: Cos u were distancing urself

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: U were never really open to me

6:33:18 PM  G: Ya

6:33:52 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:34:03 PM  ceangy: U know how much i feel for u right?

6:34:07 PM  G: Bec i dont want to hurt u

6:34:20 PM  G: I know

6:34:59 PM  ceangy: U r hurting me by not talking

6:35:00 PM  ceangy: I waited

6:35:16 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u only talk when u want to talk

6:35:25 PM  G: I cant commit

6:35:44 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:35:45 PM  G: If i talk

6:35:59 PM  G: Recycle ulit tayo

6:36:06 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:36:10 PM  ceangy: I know that from the start. U were never into commitment

6:36:19 PM  ceangy: But i gambled

6:36:33 PM  G: Til when

6:37:30 PM  ceangy: Til u ask me to stop

6:37:52 PM  G: I love u pero hangang doon lang

6:38:08 PM  ceangy: Did i ask for more?

6:38:16 PM  G: Stop n lang

6:38:29 PM  ceangy: Did i ever ask u to marry me?

6:38:39 PM  ceangy: I never did that

6:38:49 PM  G: No

6:38:58 PM  G: Pero paano ka

6:39:05 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u were never into it

6:39:32 PM  G: Hangan ganito lang ako

6:39:33 PM  ceangy: Anong paano ako?

6:39:53 PM  G: Waiting for nothing

6:40:06 PM  ceangy: I never asked u to be more than what u are

6:40:20 PM  G: I know

6:40:50 PM  G: Pero i cant stay with this kind of relationship

6:41:01 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:41:14 PM  G: Either u move out or me

6:41:18 PM  G: Out

6:41:39 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:42:06 PM  G: Kasi pag nagusap pa tayo baka will start it again

6:45:28 PM6:42:14 PM  G: Tapos wala din

6:42:25 PM  ceangy: Y r u afraid of that?

6:42:30 PM  G: I know u love me a lot

6:42:35 PM  G: Same here

6:42:41 PM  G: Pero

6:42:51 PM  G: I cant be with u

6:42:53 PM  ceangy: Bakit kelangan ganito?

6:43:09 PM  ceangy: Y ?

6:43:25 PM  G: Siguro ganun lang siguro tayo

6:43:53 PM  G: So better to be a good friend cguro

6:44:34 PM  ceangy: Kse kayo na?

6:44:35 PM  G: I have 2 go now

6:44:36 PM  ceangy: It started in boracay right?

6:44:52 PM  ceangy: Go?

6:44:52 PM  G: Talk to u later

6:45:06 PM  ceangy: Lets talk later

6:45:17 PM  ceangy: We have to

---end of conversation---

"i can't commit." oh yeah.. but after a few months you're married??? now where would that put me?? i began to question myself. am i not a wife material??? have i not been a good girlfriend for seven years??? did she know he was still taken that time??? i don't know what to feel. i was too numb and confused to think. my mind stopped working. i could not understand everything. as far as i know, their relationship started before ours officially ended. and he married her in an instant? we still had our last conversation on my birthday month, and that would be August. we had a good chat that time. we had flirting going on again. but he proposed to her by the end of last year? you tell me how am i supposed to feel?!

i knew it was coming. but i never thought it would happen this fast. i was still on the moving on thing. it  was already clear to me that we are not really getting back together. yes, honestly i was pretty sure of that.i don't think things would be the same after what he did if he ever comes back. but i was still hoping for a more decent closure. i was still praying for that explanation to come to at least put my heart to ease. seven years is seven long years, not seven months, not even seven days. come to think of it, how can we not decently talk about how to end it the right way?!  not even a single call came. no nothing.

i tried to find comfort that midnight. good thing my little buddy Niji was in the house to bring some love. i hugged her tightly. it was just so comforting. i tried to talk to some friends. i just have to find those people who are ready to listen. i just have to release even a bit of what i'm feeling. i tried to understand everything but i really couldn't. now i think why a friend's message got stucked on my mind. he was totally  right, I DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND anything. i just have to go through it.

but for now, i have to take some time alone to think and reevaluate myself.  TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. BUT NOW IS NOT YET THE RIGHT TIME TO DO IT... i know   i should forget everything and move on but i don't want to force it. JUST LET ME BLEED FOR NOW. i will  for sure get myself back. i owe that to myself. i definitely can't wait to travel and fly away and feel at ease again. i just want to be happy. and i don't think that's too much to ask. i actually posted these notes on my phone the day before that incident happened. maybe this is God's answer to my prayers.

yes, a day before that, i was already claiming that i would finally fall in love perfectly with the one this year and be truly happy. and looking at this now makes me realize that maybe this is God's way of answering my prayers. maybe the time has finally come to put everything to a sudden stop. i could not do my moving on/ moving forward slowly anymore. everything has to stop. i could not possibly fall perfectly inlove with someone if i won't let go of that person who i was once madly inlove with. i am a love-believer and i haven't ceased to be one after everything that has happened. yes, everything happens for a reason. and indeed, what's meant to happen will happen.

and i am very much thankful for those people who never turned their backs on me. you know who you are. you will always be remembered. thank you so much. 

someday i will come across this post again and will be reminded of everything. but when that time comes, i know i will have that smile on my face. and i will be proud of myself for getting through this.definitely, i am claiming it!

honestly, i still wish them the best. and i hope love will never leave them. i am hurt now but still i am okay. 

10 Things I Could Not Forget About Peter

so who is this Peter i am referring to? he is this guy who we met at TIKI Bar in Puerto Princesa Palawan. we only spent basically one whole night with him, talking and drinking and nothing more. we had a few hours to spend cos he had to go to El Nido. so if it was just for a night, then you might be wondering why i am talking about him here. it's simple! there are things that i could not forget about him.

here are the 10 THINGS THAT I COULD NOT FORGET ABOUT PETER:

1. having RED BULL after getting drunk. after drinking Smoker's Special as my second drink for the night, i felt different. i got a bit drunk.but i still managed to get myself a bottle of SanMig Strong Ice after. so i jokingly told Jeni that she and her new found friend, who happened to be Peter, should send me back to the hotel if things come to worst. i really got drunk. it was Peter who said "Red Bull works for me." so i had to order one and gave him my bottle of beer to finish. indeed, it did some magic to me. now i know how i could survive my drunken nights. lol.
2. he reminds me of the song GOD GAVE ME YOU. no it was not for me. he told us a funny story about him going out in Palawan and dancing with this girl when suddenly the music changed. they started playing God Gave Me You instead. awkward to the highest level! haha. i could really tell that the bars in Puerto have a pretty bad song selection. i can't even understand why Tiki Bar plays BUKAS NA LANG KITA MAMAHALIN every night!!!
3. everything is worth a try cos you only live once. i kept on telling him that that night. we were trying to lure him into getting up the stage to sing. he started listening/practicing his Nirvana songs  on his phone which i suppose he would use when he comes up the stage. too bad we didn't notice it was the band's last set. that night could have been a blast if that performance went through. haha.
4. he is living the life that i have been wanting all my life. at a young age, he is very much well travelled. i envy him for having the kind of job that he has now. i envy him for travelling for months and going to places he desires. he can go wherever and whenever he wants. that is definitely LIFE for me.
5. KARMA. we have the same thinking when it comes to this.when you are good to people, good things will come to you. what you give, you receive and you receive more. that's basically what he believes, and i couldn't agree more.
6. one down on my bucketlist: have a decent conversation about anything under the sun with somebody i totally don't know. contrary to what other people think, we only had ONE night to spend. we just met each other at a bar in Puerto and had to part ways before sunrise. no we didn't talk about our personal issues. he and jeni talked first before i got drunk and joined them. our conversations were basically about how to enjoy that night and just merely anything that comes to mind. it was really fun.(My Wishlist)
7. another one down on my bucketlist: treat a total stranger. okay Peter is not really a stranger now. but going back to that night, he was somewhat like that. i got him drunk, forcing him to drink 3 shots of Jose Cuervo in like 5 minutes. that's after having some other drinks. but don't get me wrong,  i did have a clean intention. i even promised the two of them that i'll treat them to coffee after and then we'll send him home when we're done.
8. coffee and muffins. i keep my promises. we went out to find a nice place to have coffee when the bar was starting to close. the nearest we could possibly find was Dunkin Donuts. i am not really a fan of donuts so i got us 3 muffins and 3 large cups of coffee. had some serious talks about life. and this time Peter got me thinking.
9. a broken promise: not a coincidence. i am a believer of fate. i have this big faith on fate. i don't think that there is such a thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason and that's my personal judgment. honestly, i didn't have plans of going to Palawan on a January. i was not supposed to take that flight with jeni. kathleen knows that so well. an opportunity came and that time i was thinking it was a good time to finally break a promise that me and my past made as part of that moving on thing. and i told jeni that we should go there to celebrate for passing (i kinda mastered the positive thinking thing. i truly believe that what the mind can conceive, the body can achieve. that's how i think. that is the secret i've been practicing ever since.guess that worked on my exams. lol). well i think the whole universe conspired to make things happen. that night with P got me thinking about my life; my past, my present and my future. i believe we were meant to meet that night to make me realize a lot of things. our conversations were not that specific. they were not pointing on my personal issues. jeni and i were more interested in his travels and adventures. but those few hours with him was indeed enlightening. i could have been to another place that time, but something brought me there. those conversations were made to happen, those stories were made to inspire. that time when he showed me that skydiving video and told me he has plans of doing that, i got pretty amazed. at the back of my mind i was thinking, i envy this man for knowing what he truly wants to do with his life.
10. that hug, that kiss and those beautiful eyes. no i wasn't hitting on him that night. i swear i never did that. it was just a good night with an old friend and a new one.clean fun, i should say. besides, he told us that we were the best Filipinos he has ever met. and that was quite flattering. i hope he really meant what he said. lol. we walked him to his place which was just a few blocks away after our coffee time. he both gave us a goodbye hug and a kiss on the cheek. i suppose that was his way of saying thank you. but i could not forget that hug. that hug was just perfectly tight and comforting. and for the first time, it came from somebody who i barely know. i must confess, it felt kinda amusing. no we didn't kiss. but thinking about that moment now, i swear i should have kissed him that night. 

we still talk and find time to reconnect every now and then but i don't know if our paths would cross again for real. i am hoping that it would though. and as i have said to him, if we'd see each other again then that would not be out of coincidence. and if that night was the only chance we had, then i would gladly say thank you for those inspiring hours P. you were the first person who ever did that. i will never ever forget you.

Midnight Snack

when the clock strikes twelve midnight 

and you find yourself awake, bored and with nothing to do,

just get your ass up, make a simple food preparation

and make it look like it's pricey.

then treat yourself more with some pringles

and a glass of fresh milk before calling it a day!

i am not a good cook.

i just know how to do some simple dishes.

like this...

SCRAMBLED EGGS

with lots of cheese, onions and tomatoes 

then sprinkle it with whatever herbs i can find

POTATOES and CHICKEN NUGGETS

i think i can safely say, that i do good at my plating...lol

and top everything up with some Pringles and Milk

while doing what you love to do until you fall asleep. 

everyday is CHEAT DAY for me... lol!

care to eat with me??? :-P

GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!