Death of a Rose

i used to have the most beautiful roses at the office but today was different. a rose died with me. it was midnight when i came across a shocking news that made me somewhat question my self worth. the idea was open to me but i did not realize it could happen this soon. it was just unacceptable. 

so here's the scenario. he recently got married. yes, my past married his new girl last month. it felt like i was stabbed directly a hundred times straight to the heart when i came to know it. at that very moment, my heart skipped a beat. i could not breathe and literally i felt my heart crushed.at that moment, i died in an instant.

so what then if he got married? he's already part of my past, why should i be affected? before you judge me, please try to hear my side. he broke up with me last year. our seven-year long distance relationship officially ended on the last week of june 2012, informally. yes, informally. he broke up with me on a chat. he stopped talking to me when i started to confront him about something i found out, that i for sure had the right to know. i took his silence as an admission and his easiest way of saving his ass for something he could not find a perfect excuse with. that was on a february. i tried contacting him every possible way i could think of, bombarding him with messages on his phone and emails. for months i did that. what can you expect of me, people get crazy when they fall madly inlove right? then came june. right after my week in boracay, i got a little surprise again. this girl who happened to be a dermatologist in manila posted a picture of the two of them at his condo and made it her profile pic. reading the comments, it was pretty obvious that they are a couple. i believe the picture was taken in between december-january 2012 when we were still together. i tried to talk to him. sent him an email trying to ask for an explanation. but then again i failed. to get everybody on the right time frame, it was on June 24, 2012 that he finally sent me a message. we had a serious conversation over messenger.

IM Jun 24, 2012 6:34:59 PM

6:23:29 PM  G: Y

6:24:04 PM  ceangy: I have to ask you something

6:25:34 PM  G: Ano

6:26:25 PM  ceangy: Kayo na ba o tayo pa?

6:27:50 PM  G: Saan k ba

6:29:34 PM  G: Kala ko wala na tayo

6:30:06 PM  ceangy: Ha? I didnt know that

6:30:29 PM  ceangy: I waited for you to say it

6:30:40 PM  G: Hindi na tayo nag usap

6:30:55 PM  G: I think mas ok na ganun

6:31:01 PM  ceangy: U stopped talking

6:31:13 PM G: And u 2

6:31:30 PM  ceangy: U should have told me. I waited for u endlessly

6:31:47 PM  G: I cant say it

6:31:59 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:32:08 PM  G: Bec i like u a lot

6:32:31 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:32:39 PM  G: And we not leveling up

6:32:42 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: Cos u were distancing urself

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: U were never really open to me

6:33:18 PM  G: Ya

6:33:52 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:34:03 PM  ceangy: U know how much i feel for u right?

6:34:07 PM  G: Bec i dont want to hurt u

6:34:20 PM  G: I know

6:34:59 PM  ceangy: U r hurting me by not talking

6:35:00 PM  ceangy: I waited

6:35:16 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u only talk when u want to talk

6:35:25 PM  G: I cant commit

6:35:44 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:35:45 PM  G: If i talk

6:35:59 PM  G: Recycle ulit tayo

6:36:06 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:36:10 PM  ceangy: I know that from the start. U were never into commitment

6:36:19 PM  ceangy: But i gambled

6:36:33 PM  G: Til when

6:37:30 PM  ceangy: Til u ask me to stop

6:37:52 PM  G: I love u pero hangang doon lang

6:38:08 PM  ceangy: Did i ask for more?

6:38:16 PM  G: Stop n lang

6:38:29 PM  ceangy: Did i ever ask u to marry me?

6:38:39 PM  ceangy: I never did that

6:38:49 PM  G: No

6:38:58 PM  G: Pero paano ka

6:39:05 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u were never into it

6:39:32 PM  G: Hangan ganito lang ako

6:39:33 PM  ceangy: Anong paano ako?

6:39:53 PM  G: Waiting for nothing

6:40:06 PM  ceangy: I never asked u to be more than what u are

6:40:20 PM  G: I know

6:40:50 PM  G: Pero i cant stay with this kind of relationship

6:41:01 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:41:14 PM  G: Either u move out or me

6:41:18 PM  G: Out

6:41:39 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:42:06 PM  G: Kasi pag nagusap pa tayo baka will start it again

6:45:28 PM6:42:14 PM  G: Tapos wala din

6:42:25 PM  ceangy: Y r u afraid of that?

6:42:30 PM  G: I know u love me a lot

6:42:35 PM  G: Same here

6:42:41 PM  G: Pero

6:42:51 PM  G: I cant be with u

6:42:53 PM  ceangy: Bakit kelangan ganito?

6:43:09 PM  ceangy: Y ?

6:43:25 PM  G: Siguro ganun lang siguro tayo

6:43:53 PM  G: So better to be a good friend cguro

6:44:34 PM  ceangy: Kse kayo na?

6:44:35 PM  G: I have 2 go now

6:44:36 PM  ceangy: It started in boracay right?

6:44:52 PM  ceangy: Go?

6:44:52 PM  G: Talk to u later

6:45:06 PM  ceangy: Lets talk later

6:45:17 PM  ceangy: We have to

---end of conversation---

"i can't commit." oh yeah.. but after a few months you're married??? now where would that put me?? i began to question myself. am i not a wife material??? have i not been a good girlfriend for seven years??? did she know he was still taken that time??? i don't know what to feel. i was too numb and confused to think. my mind stopped working. i could not understand everything. as far as i know, their relationship started before ours officially ended. and he married her in an instant? we still had our last conversation on my birthday month, and that would be August. we had a good chat that time. we had flirting going on again. but he proposed to her by the end of last year? you tell me how am i supposed to feel?!

i knew it was coming. but i never thought it would happen this fast. i was still on the moving on thing. it  was already clear to me that we are not really getting back together. yes, honestly i was pretty sure of that.i don't think things would be the same after what he did if he ever comes back. but i was still hoping for a more decent closure. i was still praying for that explanation to come to at least put my heart to ease. seven years is seven long years, not seven months, not even seven days. come to think of it, how can we not decently talk about how to end it the right way?!  not even a single call came. no nothing.

i tried to find comfort that midnight. good thing my little buddy Niji was in the house to bring some love. i hugged her tightly. it was just so comforting. i tried to talk to some friends. i just have to find those people who are ready to listen. i just have to release even a bit of what i'm feeling. i tried to understand everything but i really couldn't. now i think why a friend's message got stucked on my mind. he was totally  right, I DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND anything. i just have to go through it.

but for now, i have to take some time alone to think and reevaluate myself.  TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. BUT NOW IS NOT YET THE RIGHT TIME TO DO IT... i know   i should forget everything and move on but i don't want to force it. JUST LET ME BLEED FOR NOW. i will  for sure get myself back. i owe that to myself. i definitely can't wait to travel and fly away and feel at ease again. i just want to be happy. and i don't think that's too much to ask. i actually posted these notes on my phone the day before that incident happened. maybe this is God's answer to my prayers.

yes, a day before that, i was already claiming that i would finally fall in love perfectly with the one this year and be truly happy. and looking at this now makes me realize that maybe this is God's way of answering my prayers. maybe the time has finally come to put everything to a sudden stop. i could not do my moving on/ moving forward slowly anymore. everything has to stop. i could not possibly fall perfectly inlove with someone if i won't let go of that person who i was once madly inlove with. i am a love-believer and i haven't ceased to be one after everything that has happened. yes, everything happens for a reason. and indeed, what's meant to happen will happen.

and i am very much thankful for those people who never turned their backs on me. you know who you are. you will always be remembered. thank you so much. 

someday i will come across this post again and will be reminded of everything. but when that time comes, i know i will have that smile on my face. and i will be proud of myself for getting through this.definitely, i am claiming it!

honestly, i still wish them the best. and i hope love will never leave them. i am hurt now but still i am okay. 

10 Things I Could Not Forget About Peter

so who is this Peter i am referring to? he is this guy who we met at TIKI Bar in Puerto Princesa Palawan. we only spent basically one whole night with him, talking and drinking and nothing more. we had a few hours to spend cos he had to go to El Nido. so if it was just for a night, then you might be wondering why i am talking about him here. it's simple! there are things that i could not forget about him.

here are the 10 THINGS THAT I COULD NOT FORGET ABOUT PETER:

1. having RED BULL after getting drunk. after drinking Smoker's Special as my second drink for the night, i felt different. i got a bit drunk.but i still managed to get myself a bottle of SanMig Strong Ice after. so i jokingly told Jeni that she and her new found friend, who happened to be Peter, should send me back to the hotel if things come to worst. i really got drunk. it was Peter who said "Red Bull works for me." so i had to order one and gave him my bottle of beer to finish. indeed, it did some magic to me. now i know how i could survive my drunken nights. lol.
2. he reminds me of the song GOD GAVE ME YOU. no it was not for me. he told us a funny story about him going out in Palawan and dancing with this girl when suddenly the music changed. they started playing God Gave Me You instead. awkward to the highest level! haha. i could really tell that the bars in Puerto have a pretty bad song selection. i can't even understand why Tiki Bar plays BUKAS NA LANG KITA MAMAHALIN every night!!!
3. everything is worth a try cos you only live once. i kept on telling him that that night. we were trying to lure him into getting up the stage to sing. he started listening/practicing his Nirvana songs  on his phone which i suppose he would use when he comes up the stage. too bad we didn't notice it was the band's last set. that night could have been a blast if that performance went through. haha.
4. he is living the life that i have been wanting all my life. at a young age, he is very much well travelled. i envy him for having the kind of job that he has now. i envy him for travelling for months and going to places he desires. he can go wherever and whenever he wants. that is definitely LIFE for me.
5. KARMA. we have the same thinking when it comes to this.when you are good to people, good things will come to you. what you give, you receive and you receive more. that's basically what he believes, and i couldn't agree more.
6. one down on my bucketlist: have a decent conversation about anything under the sun with somebody i totally don't know. contrary to what other people think, we only had ONE night to spend. we just met each other at a bar in Puerto and had to part ways before sunrise. no we didn't talk about our personal issues. he and jeni talked first before i got drunk and joined them. our conversations were basically about how to enjoy that night and just merely anything that comes to mind. it was really fun.(My Wishlist)
7. another one down on my bucketlist: treat a total stranger. okay Peter is not really a stranger now. but going back to that night, he was somewhat like that. i got him drunk, forcing him to drink 3 shots of Jose Cuervo in like 5 minutes. that's after having some other drinks. but don't get me wrong,  i did have a clean intention. i even promised the two of them that i'll treat them to coffee after and then we'll send him home when we're done.
8. coffee and muffins. i keep my promises. we went out to find a nice place to have coffee when the bar was starting to close. the nearest we could possibly find was Dunkin Donuts. i am not really a fan of donuts so i got us 3 muffins and 3 large cups of coffee. had some serious talks about life. and this time Peter got me thinking.
9. a broken promise: not a coincidence. i am a believer of fate. i have this big faith on fate. i don't think that there is such a thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason and that's my personal judgment. honestly, i didn't have plans of going to Palawan on a January. i was not supposed to take that flight with jeni. kathleen knows that so well. an opportunity came and that time i was thinking it was a good time to finally break a promise that me and my past made as part of that moving on thing. and i told jeni that we should go there to celebrate for passing (i kinda mastered the positive thinking thing. i truly believe that what the mind can conceive, the body can achieve. that's how i think. that is the secret i've been practicing ever since.guess that worked on my exams. lol). well i think the whole universe conspired to make things happen. that night with P got me thinking about my life; my past, my present and my future. i believe we were meant to meet that night to make me realize a lot of things. our conversations were not that specific. they were not pointing on my personal issues. jeni and i were more interested in his travels and adventures. but those few hours with him was indeed enlightening. i could have been to another place that time, but something brought me there. those conversations were made to happen, those stories were made to inspire. that time when he showed me that skydiving video and told me he has plans of doing that, i got pretty amazed. at the back of my mind i was thinking, i envy this man for knowing what he truly wants to do with his life.
10. that hug, that kiss and those beautiful eyes. no i wasn't hitting on him that night. i swear i never did that. it was just a good night with an old friend and a new one.clean fun, i should say. besides, he told us that we were the best Filipinos he has ever met. and that was quite flattering. i hope he really meant what he said. lol. we walked him to his place which was just a few blocks away after our coffee time. he both gave us a goodbye hug and a kiss on the cheek. i suppose that was his way of saying thank you. but i could not forget that hug. that hug was just perfectly tight and comforting. and for the first time, it came from somebody who i barely know. i must confess, it felt kinda amusing. no we didn't kiss. but thinking about that moment now, i swear i should have kissed him that night. 

we still talk and find time to reconnect every now and then but i don't know if our paths would cross again for real. i am hoping that it would though. and as i have said to him, if we'd see each other again then that would not be out of coincidence. and if that night was the only chance we had, then i would gladly say thank you for those inspiring hours P. you were the first person who ever did that. i will never ever forget you.