7 Things I Learned From Not Having Facebook For 10 Days

Sometimes we have those moments where we just want to disconnect ourselves with the world for no particular reason but just the mere want to do it. I have done this more than a couple times... taking flights somewhere, dining wherever, running, one bottle sessions, just whatever things I could possibly do alone. I just love that warm feeling it gives me and the realizations that come with it.

Recently, when i came back from my short trip to Turkey i got really sick. It was my first time to go to the doctor here and first ever to be given a 2-day sick leave certificate. Not being well lasted for days or should i say weeks. Plus a lot of things were literally stressing me out. Eventually, i decided to do a little break. I deactivated my facebook account hoping i could take a little rest and somewhat cut away from the temptation of staying late chatting, and snooping on somebody else's wall.

I guess it did me good. And here are the reasons.

7 Things I Learned From Not Having Facebook For 10 Days

1. You will know who actually cares when you suddenly go MIA. Let's admit it! We have hundreds (even thousands) of facebook friends running from acquaintances, family, travel friends, not so close and close friends to bffs. A number of them will not check your account on regular basis. They will just be reminded of your existence when you change your profile picture and make posts which basically show in their new feeds. Thus, only a small percent will try to look for you when they figure it out that you are missing. A lot will not even notice.
2. It is too hard to talk to people you want to talk to especially when the only means you have is facebook messenger. Not all of your friends have your Whatsapp, Viber, Skype or even your new mobile number (well, communicating thru sms and phone calls every now and then would be very expensive if you are staying in a different country). Now here's how facebook should really work, connecting people. That's something to be thankful for.
3. Life is easier when you don't concern yourself with what everybody else is doing. Ugly truth, 90% of our time on facebook is technically for checking other people's lives. We spend most of our time checking on our newsfeeds. New photos, videos, status updates of friends  take much of our time. Sometimes, we get too affected of posts we see that our emotions are greatly affected which greatly changes our mood for the rest of the day. Sometimes we should not be affected but we do.
4. Not posting about your personal life means no complaints later on how people should mind their own business. Your thing is your thing. But if you post it on facebook, it becomes everybody's thing. Should i say more?
5. What you don't know won't hurt you. Oh well, my friends already know me with that line. It's nothing new. But when you feel you are too good in finding things,  it's just too hard to stop your FBI skills from working sometimes. You get those instincts that would get you clicking and going. But when you finally hit the jackpot, you would wish you didn't even log in in the first place. No facebooking, no checking, no hurting. Hahaha   
6. You can make your life as functional as you make it appear on facebook. Let's face the fact that while some people are washing their dirty linens in public, some will try to paint more colors into theirs. Some will get jealous on how happy other people's lives are and begin to compare it with theirs and eventually become inferior. Please be warned, not all the posts you see mirror reality. 
7. Be like a ninja. It is good to keep things in private. Everybody doesn't have to know everything you are doing. Leave no traces. Check but don't post. It makes life less complicated. I know a lot of people doing this, and i envy them much. 

So everything said. I always choose the option "It's temporary. I will be back." when deactivating. I need facebook for sure. But sometimes you have to reset the button to to keep it working well and serve it's purpose.  Let's see then when the next deactivation is due. Haha

Death of a Rose

i used to have the most beautiful roses at the office but today was different. a rose died with me. it was midnight when i came across a shocking news that made me somewhat question my self worth. the idea was open to me but i did not realize it could happen this soon. it was just unacceptable. 

so here's the scenario. he recently got married. yes, my past married his new girl last month. it felt like i was stabbed directly a hundred times straight to the heart when i came to know it. at that very moment, my heart skipped a beat. i could not breathe and literally i felt my heart crushed.at that moment, i died in an instant.

so what then if he got married? he's already part of my past, why should i be affected? before you judge me, please try to hear my side. he broke up with me last year. our seven-year long distance relationship officially ended on the last week of june 2012, informally. yes, informally. he broke up with me on a chat. he stopped talking to me when i started to confront him about something i found out, that i for sure had the right to know. i took his silence as an admission and his easiest way of saving his ass for something he could not find a perfect excuse with. that was on a february. i tried contacting him every possible way i could think of, bombarding him with messages on his phone and emails. for months i did that. what can you expect of me, people get crazy when they fall madly inlove right? then came june. right after my week in boracay, i got a little surprise again. this girl who happened to be a dermatologist in manila posted a picture of the two of them at his condo and made it her profile pic. reading the comments, it was pretty obvious that they are a couple. i believe the picture was taken in between december-january 2012 when we were still together. i tried to talk to him. sent him an email trying to ask for an explanation. but then again i failed. to get everybody on the right time frame, it was on June 24, 2012 that he finally sent me a message. we had a serious conversation over messenger.

IM Jun 24, 2012 6:34:59 PM

6:23:29 PM  G: Y

6:24:04 PM  ceangy: I have to ask you something

6:25:34 PM  G: Ano

6:26:25 PM  ceangy: Kayo na ba o tayo pa?

6:27:50 PM  G: Saan k ba

6:29:34 PM  G: Kala ko wala na tayo

6:30:06 PM  ceangy: Ha? I didnt know that

6:30:29 PM  ceangy: I waited for you to say it

6:30:40 PM  G: Hindi na tayo nag usap

6:30:55 PM  G: I think mas ok na ganun

6:31:01 PM  ceangy: U stopped talking

6:31:13 PM G: And u 2

6:31:30 PM  ceangy: U should have told me. I waited for u endlessly

6:31:47 PM  G: I cant say it

6:31:59 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:32:08 PM  G: Bec i like u a lot

6:32:31 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:32:39 PM  G: And we not leveling up

6:32:42 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: Cos u were distancing urself

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: U were never really open to me

6:33:18 PM  G: Ya

6:33:52 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:34:03 PM  ceangy: U know how much i feel for u right?

6:34:07 PM  G: Bec i dont want to hurt u

6:34:20 PM  G: I know

6:34:59 PM  ceangy: U r hurting me by not talking

6:35:00 PM  ceangy: I waited

6:35:16 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u only talk when u want to talk

6:35:25 PM  G: I cant commit

6:35:44 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:35:45 PM  G: If i talk

6:35:59 PM  G: Recycle ulit tayo

6:36:06 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:36:10 PM  ceangy: I know that from the start. U were never into commitment

6:36:19 PM  ceangy: But i gambled

6:36:33 PM  G: Til when

6:37:30 PM  ceangy: Til u ask me to stop

6:37:52 PM  G: I love u pero hangang doon lang

6:38:08 PM  ceangy: Did i ask for more?

6:38:16 PM  G: Stop n lang

6:38:29 PM  ceangy: Did i ever ask u to marry me?

6:38:39 PM  ceangy: I never did that

6:38:49 PM  G: No

6:38:58 PM  G: Pero paano ka

6:39:05 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u were never into it

6:39:32 PM  G: Hangan ganito lang ako

6:39:33 PM  ceangy: Anong paano ako?

6:39:53 PM  G: Waiting for nothing

6:40:06 PM  ceangy: I never asked u to be more than what u are

6:40:20 PM  G: I know

6:40:50 PM  G: Pero i cant stay with this kind of relationship

6:41:01 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:41:14 PM  G: Either u move out or me

6:41:18 PM  G: Out

6:41:39 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:42:06 PM  G: Kasi pag nagusap pa tayo baka will start it again

6:45:28 PM6:42:14 PM  G: Tapos wala din

6:42:25 PM  ceangy: Y r u afraid of that?

6:42:30 PM  G: I know u love me a lot

6:42:35 PM  G: Same here

6:42:41 PM  G: Pero

6:42:51 PM  G: I cant be with u

6:42:53 PM  ceangy: Bakit kelangan ganito?

6:43:09 PM  ceangy: Y ?

6:43:25 PM  G: Siguro ganun lang siguro tayo

6:43:53 PM  G: So better to be a good friend cguro

6:44:34 PM  ceangy: Kse kayo na?

6:44:35 PM  G: I have 2 go now

6:44:36 PM  ceangy: It started in boracay right?

6:44:52 PM  ceangy: Go?

6:44:52 PM  G: Talk to u later

6:45:06 PM  ceangy: Lets talk later

6:45:17 PM  ceangy: We have to

---end of conversation---

"i can't commit." oh yeah.. but after a few months you're married??? now where would that put me?? i began to question myself. am i not a wife material??? have i not been a good girlfriend for seven years??? did she know he was still taken that time??? i don't know what to feel. i was too numb and confused to think. my mind stopped working. i could not understand everything. as far as i know, their relationship started before ours officially ended. and he married her in an instant? we still had our last conversation on my birthday month, and that would be August. we had a good chat that time. we had flirting going on again. but he proposed to her by the end of last year? you tell me how am i supposed to feel?!

i knew it was coming. but i never thought it would happen this fast. i was still on the moving on thing. it  was already clear to me that we are not really getting back together. yes, honestly i was pretty sure of that.i don't think things would be the same after what he did if he ever comes back. but i was still hoping for a more decent closure. i was still praying for that explanation to come to at least put my heart to ease. seven years is seven long years, not seven months, not even seven days. come to think of it, how can we not decently talk about how to end it the right way?!  not even a single call came. no nothing.

i tried to find comfort that midnight. good thing my little buddy Niji was in the house to bring some love. i hugged her tightly. it was just so comforting. i tried to talk to some friends. i just have to find those people who are ready to listen. i just have to release even a bit of what i'm feeling. i tried to understand everything but i really couldn't. now i think why a friend's message got stucked on my mind. he was totally  right, I DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND anything. i just have to go through it.

but for now, i have to take some time alone to think and reevaluate myself.  TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. BUT NOW IS NOT YET THE RIGHT TIME TO DO IT... i know   i should forget everything and move on but i don't want to force it. JUST LET ME BLEED FOR NOW. i will  for sure get myself back. i owe that to myself. i definitely can't wait to travel and fly away and feel at ease again. i just want to be happy. and i don't think that's too much to ask. i actually posted these notes on my phone the day before that incident happened. maybe this is God's answer to my prayers.

yes, a day before that, i was already claiming that i would finally fall in love perfectly with the one this year and be truly happy. and looking at this now makes me realize that maybe this is God's way of answering my prayers. maybe the time has finally come to put everything to a sudden stop. i could not do my moving on/ moving forward slowly anymore. everything has to stop. i could not possibly fall perfectly inlove with someone if i won't let go of that person who i was once madly inlove with. i am a love-believer and i haven't ceased to be one after everything that has happened. yes, everything happens for a reason. and indeed, what's meant to happen will happen.

and i am very much thankful for those people who never turned their backs on me. you know who you are. you will always be remembered. thank you so much. 

someday i will come across this post again and will be reminded of everything. but when that time comes, i know i will have that smile on my face. and i will be proud of myself for getting through this.definitely, i am claiming it!

honestly, i still wish them the best. and i hope love will never leave them. i am hurt now but still i am okay. 

10 Things I Could Not Forget About Peter

so who is this Peter i am referring to? he is this guy who we met at TIKI Bar in Puerto Princesa Palawan. we only spent basically one whole night with him, talking and drinking and nothing more. we had a few hours to spend cos he had to go to El Nido. so if it was just for a night, then you might be wondering why i am talking about him here. it's simple! there are things that i could not forget about him.

here are the 10 THINGS THAT I COULD NOT FORGET ABOUT PETER:

1. having RED BULL after getting drunk. after drinking Smoker's Special as my second drink for the night, i felt different. i got a bit drunk.but i still managed to get myself a bottle of SanMig Strong Ice after. so i jokingly told Jeni that she and her new found friend, who happened to be Peter, should send me back to the hotel if things come to worst. i really got drunk. it was Peter who said "Red Bull works for me." so i had to order one and gave him my bottle of beer to finish. indeed, it did some magic to me. now i know how i could survive my drunken nights. lol.
2. he reminds me of the song GOD GAVE ME YOU. no it was not for me. he told us a funny story about him going out in Palawan and dancing with this girl when suddenly the music changed. they started playing God Gave Me You instead. awkward to the highest level! haha. i could really tell that the bars in Puerto have a pretty bad song selection. i can't even understand why Tiki Bar plays BUKAS NA LANG KITA MAMAHALIN every night!!!
3. everything is worth a try cos you only live once. i kept on telling him that that night. we were trying to lure him into getting up the stage to sing. he started listening/practicing his Nirvana songs  on his phone which i suppose he would use when he comes up the stage. too bad we didn't notice it was the band's last set. that night could have been a blast if that performance went through. haha.
4. he is living the life that i have been wanting all my life. at a young age, he is very much well travelled. i envy him for having the kind of job that he has now. i envy him for travelling for months and going to places he desires. he can go wherever and whenever he wants. that is definitely LIFE for me.
5. KARMA. we have the same thinking when it comes to this.when you are good to people, good things will come to you. what you give, you receive and you receive more. that's basically what he believes, and i couldn't agree more.
6. one down on my bucketlist: have a decent conversation about anything under the sun with somebody i totally don't know. contrary to what other people think, we only had ONE night to spend. we just met each other at a bar in Puerto and had to part ways before sunrise. no we didn't talk about our personal issues. he and jeni talked first before i got drunk and joined them. our conversations were basically about how to enjoy that night and just merely anything that comes to mind. it was really fun.(My Wishlist)
7. another one down on my bucketlist: treat a total stranger. okay Peter is not really a stranger now. but going back to that night, he was somewhat like that. i got him drunk, forcing him to drink 3 shots of Jose Cuervo in like 5 minutes. that's after having some other drinks. but don't get me wrong,  i did have a clean intention. i even promised the two of them that i'll treat them to coffee after and then we'll send him home when we're done.
8. coffee and muffins. i keep my promises. we went out to find a nice place to have coffee when the bar was starting to close. the nearest we could possibly find was Dunkin Donuts. i am not really a fan of donuts so i got us 3 muffins and 3 large cups of coffee. had some serious talks about life. and this time Peter got me thinking.
9. a broken promise: not a coincidence. i am a believer of fate. i have this big faith on fate. i don't think that there is such a thing as coincidence. everything happens for a reason and that's my personal judgment. honestly, i didn't have plans of going to Palawan on a January. i was not supposed to take that flight with jeni. kathleen knows that so well. an opportunity came and that time i was thinking it was a good time to finally break a promise that me and my past made as part of that moving on thing. and i told jeni that we should go there to celebrate for passing (i kinda mastered the positive thinking thing. i truly believe that what the mind can conceive, the body can achieve. that's how i think. that is the secret i've been practicing ever since.guess that worked on my exams. lol). well i think the whole universe conspired to make things happen. that night with P got me thinking about my life; my past, my present and my future. i believe we were meant to meet that night to make me realize a lot of things. our conversations were not that specific. they were not pointing on my personal issues. jeni and i were more interested in his travels and adventures. but those few hours with him was indeed enlightening. i could have been to another place that time, but something brought me there. those conversations were made to happen, those stories were made to inspire. that time when he showed me that skydiving video and told me he has plans of doing that, i got pretty amazed. at the back of my mind i was thinking, i envy this man for knowing what he truly wants to do with his life.
10. that hug, that kiss and those beautiful eyes. no i wasn't hitting on him that night. i swear i never did that. it was just a good night with an old friend and a new one.clean fun, i should say. besides, he told us that we were the best Filipinos he has ever met. and that was quite flattering. i hope he really meant what he said. lol. we walked him to his place which was just a few blocks away after our coffee time. he both gave us a goodbye hug and a kiss on the cheek. i suppose that was his way of saying thank you. but i could not forget that hug. that hug was just perfectly tight and comforting. and for the first time, it came from somebody who i barely know. i must confess, it felt kinda amusing. no we didn't kiss. but thinking about that moment now, i swear i should have kissed him that night. 

we still talk and find time to reconnect every now and then but i don't know if our paths would cross again for real. i am hoping that it would though. and as i have said to him, if we'd see each other again then that would not be out of coincidence. and if that night was the only chance we had, then i would gladly say thank you for those inspiring hours P. you were the first person who ever did that. i will never ever forget you.

When Home Is NOT Home

when EVERYTHING is TOO MUCH....
 ALL i want to do is SCREAM and DISAPPEAR...
:-(

BLOGDRIVE: The Old School Blogspot

i was googling my name a few minutes ago trying to check on how they will show my profile.. i came across my previous blog which i totally forgot.. i can't help but laugh on what i wrote years ago...hahahaha...

OMGeeeeee! i can't believe i actually had THREE (3) blogs before this one... hahahaha

and take note of the names... hahahaha

this is why i'm keeping my blog as long as i can... update it as much as i can... 

and be randomly honest on my posts ...

so that if i look back at my past i will have something to laugh at like tonight.. haha

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW if you want to check it too www.ceangyrevealed.blogdrive.com

CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CHECK ON THE ABOVE BLOG
www.naughtybitchyme.blogdrive.com

and here's the link of my other previous blog.. lol
www.ilovethesinglelife.blogspot.com


so this is the OLD me huh?!
i think i'm beginning to miss this..
hmmmmm.....

look at the blog names...
i guess i'm really going to be single til i get old.. hahaha

have fun reading! 

Six Degrees of Separation

it's never easy going through a breakup. you go through a drastic change, something inevitable. i am really not sure if james ingram was honest enough to say that there's no easy way to break somebody's heart. but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt just to make things quite equal and justify the other side. so who suffers more, the one who was left behind or the one who has left the other? it's a case to case basis, i know. but   whatever the reason for the breakup, whether you wanted it or not, it can turn your world upside down. 

on the 8th day of July this year, my friend Den sent me a message saying i should check her blog entry on 8 Things You Should Stop Doing After A Breakup . she said we were both guilty. yes i agreed.

but during the course of our conversation, i ended up contradicting instead and eventually defended my actions. 

we actually do things just to  feel okay and just simply take our minds away from reality. but the sad truth is, at the end of the day it is still there and it won't go. no one really knows what's the best thing to do. there are definitely no shortcuts, no step-by-step instructions to follow. no i won't give tips on how to move on. i am not in the right position to do that. i believe advices are only given by experts, not by mere individuals who just have the feeling of know-how. besides, i'm still coping up with whatever that is left of me.

THE SCRIPT  said in one of their songs that... 

YOU'RE DOING ALL THESE THINGS OUT OF DESPERATION.

• reading books
• watching shows
• meditating and even hypnotizing anything to take it off your mind
• hit the drinking, take the toll, watch the past go up in smoke
• fake a smile
• lie and say you're better now than ever and your life's okay when it's not
• you tell your friends, strangers too, anyone who'll throw an arm around you
• tarot cards, gems and stones, believing all this shit's gonna heal your soul

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

oh well, the band was right with all those things. i have my own share of desperate moves just to take my mind off things. i go out alone and do some binge eating for comfort, have a bottle or two just to put some numbness within, go to classes just to distract my mind so as not to think much, try new things that will make me feel good about myself. but of all things, my fave thing to do is travelling alone when my heart gets broken, that's for me to think things over while carrying the hope of finding myself. i go to places far from home. it kinda gives me a sense of comfort being away from the usual. it actually feels liberating to know that i can do things on my own. it's having the initiative to decide for myself and do whatever i want. 

there is no exact time frame for you to heal. healing takes time. you just have to be patient. there must me an internal clock within. only you will know when that time comes. only you will know when you are ready. only you will know when is the best time that you can.

Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief  that are just as relevant to the normal range of feelings people have when they are dealing with change.

1. DENIAL. this is what initially happens. normally, if you are the one who got dumped, you begin to pretend that it's not happening. and that if you try to ignore it, maybe it will go away and thing will be normal again. you begin to convince yourself that there is no truth to the breakup.
2. ANGER. when you realize that things are actually happening, denial eventually turns to anger. you now then try to find someone else to blame for the misfortune. you now try to make a monster out of the person who broke your heart. it's normal. sometimes, you will even make a big deal with the slightest mistake he made.
3. BARGAINING. it is an attempt to postpone the inevitable. it's trying to find ways on how to get out of the situation.you now begin to make secret deals with God. i will do this.. i will do that.. just give him back.. 
4. DEPRESSION. eventually, you will realize that bargaining will not stop what is actually happening. now the feeling of worthlessness sets in. you don't want other people to know that your relationship finally ended and that you are afraid of what people would think or say. at this point you are aware of the losses that the split up brings. then you feel sad and depressed. you now begin to question your self-worth, giving justifications of why the person dumped you. well good memories hurt more than the bad ones, that's a fact.
5. ACCEPTANCE. when you finally realize that things have really come to an end, acceptance sets in. here you begin to consider options. you begin to accept that things have changed and that you just have to live with it. you begin to accept that things will never be the same again and that it's time to make a brand new start.

When Kubler-Ross wrote about these stages she was very careful to explain that these are normal reactions we have to tragic news. In fact she called them defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms. And this is exactly what they are when we apply the model to coping with change. 

We don't move through the stages one at a time, in a neat, linear, step by step manner. That would be far too easy! What happens is that we occupy different stages at different times and can even move back to stages we have been in before. Kubler-Ross said the stages can last for different periods of time and will replace each other or exist at times side by side.

-http://www.change-management-coach.com

i was never at the anger stage. honestly, i sometimes feel bad for praying for anger to set in. i want to pass this stage cause i know moving on will be a lot easier if that happens. there's no perfect way to do it, i know. cause we all have different views on things. it actually makes me sad when people begin to tell me that i should let go and forget or ask me what's taking me so long to move on. i just don't get it when they say it as if it is that easy. it is somewhat sending me some power pressure to do something that i myself is unsure that i'm ready to do. it's not about how long it will take right? but it's what this journey will make out of me in the future. the important thing is, i'm learning and that i'm trying to take things the best mature way i can think of. there is a right time and place for everything. and i know for a fact that only a few people would understand where i'm coming from. i don't expect everybody else to understand me though. things have changed and things will never be the same after this. but for now i want something in mind to happen, a formal farewell. if it's really meant to end, then i just wish for a decent ending. it may not be necessary for others to think but i would think it would work for me. i don't have the hold of the future. but if it's destiny that writes and directs the entire show, i would gladly wait for my scene to come, memorize my script and deliver it well. 

oh no there's no starting over

without finding closure

you take them back 

no hesitation

that's when you know you've reached

the sixth degree of separation

Live, so you do not have to look back and say: 'God, how I have wasted my life'. 

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.(1926-2004)

Lost Flower : Search for the Missing Color

now i'm thinking,

he could have been mine.

i could have been her.

it was only a matter of time.

one of my favorite photos he sent me years ago

i met someone years ago. i met him on an online pool game. we had our own share of conversations. we chatted even without playing. we exchanged snail mails and photographs back then. there was a connection between us, i suppose. but it was distance that was against us. i had my life, he had his own. sadly, it was me who took the first step back. i stopped communicating. i guess it was because somebody else came. he found another love. i fell deeply for another. years has passed and i never heard from him. but months ago, time brought us together again. he was finally free, i was somewhat not. we talked like strangers again, trying to rebuild a lost friendship. i liked him even before. but i was too preoccupied with somebody else. so i gave him the hint of a NO. i remember him saying that it was too bad cos he's saving up to come over. sigh. and it ended everything again. time was definitely against us. he's free and i'm not. i'm free and he's not. i guess it's just not meant to be. now i can see how happy he is. one guy who once said he was not yet ready to marry, has finally tied the knot  last september, i think after year of his new relationship.i'm looking at their photos now and i can say he's really happy. i am happy for him. indeed, she's one lucky girl. 

Dear friend, 

this song will forever remind me of you.
it still gives me jitters every now and then though.
oh yes, this has been your song every since.

i'm still searching for the photo of a flower you took while visiting arizona.
 you wrote: "this was the only color i could find in the desert."
now i'm thinking, would i ever see that color again? i just hope so.
you and me is just plain you and me in reality.
i can't help but wonder what could have been.
but still i must thank you.
you are surely one of my FOREVER NEVERs.

xxx,

ceangy

Waiting: Fighting Against Time

“The wait is long, my dream of you does not end.” 

― Nuala O'Faolain, My Dream of You

waiting for you is like cursing the time.

it is going beyond what is immeasurable,

as what they say irrational.

sometimes i wish time would stand still...

for every second that comes brings me closer to infinity.

it's hard to be left behind... it's hard to be the one who stays. -The Time Traveller's Wife

what if i tell you i'm finally tired of waiting,

will you come back to me rushing?

what if i tell you i have my whole lifetime to wait,

will it take you take forever?

“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, 

knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.” 

― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

how many lamps should be lit to help you see the path?
how many minutes will it take you to find your way?

how many leaves will the trees shed to welcome the coldness of winter?
how will i ever find you in this darkness?


“I don't care how wonderful heaven is, I won't be content waiting thirty years for you.” 
― Jason F. Wright, The Wednesday Letters

it's not just about emotions.
pain would have killed me a hundred times if it was.
 it's all about making a choice.
it's all about having a decision.


"She doesn't know what's right. She doesn't know what's wrong. 
She only knows the pain that comes from waiting for him so long. 
And she doesn't count the teardrops that she's cried while he's away, 
because she knows deep in her heart, he'll be back someday."
 - Eagles, "The Girl from Yesterday"

stop. come back. and kiss me.

----o----

two, three, four years?
nobody holds the future.
maybe tomorrow, or the day after that.
or just maybe forever.
but for now i do not know.
in time. yes!
you will know.
i will let you know.

What is LOVE?

i asked some of my friends earlier today a random question: WHAT IS LOVE? oh yeah.. this may seem like a simple one but trust me, this will definitely make you think a hundred times when thrown at you. so why did i ask such question? some asked me if i am into some deep shit again or did i catch cupid's arrow for the nth time. it's both a yes and a no. i am always in love -- in love with love, in love with falling in love, in love with life. and i won't deny, i  have been a love-believer ever since. that's the reason why i'm stuck at the moment for who knows til when. the question just came to me in an instant. maybe there is a guiding force that wants me to ponder on things and somewhat learn in the process..

so WHAT IS LOVE?

as per wikipedia's definition:

Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".Love may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.

but will this definition be enough? definitely not. i believe one's definition of LOVE varies accordingly. 

for kids - who would ever forget the famous line "GOD is LOVE." ?

during high school days - who did not answer "LOVE is like a bubble gum, kung mupilit makabuang." on a friend's autograph?

for a more mature definition - "LOVE is UNCONDITIONAL" uhmmmm... 

somebody's definition of  love will somewhat show how he has experienced love and to what level of maturity he has gained. cos in the course of getting into a relationship, falling deeply in love, experiencing a breakup, trying to move on and finally reaching the moved on part...one's definition of love will never be the same. 

here are some of the definitions i got today:

"Love knows no reasons. Love knows no lies. Love defies all reasons. Love has no eyes. Love is not blind... it sees, but it doesn't mind. Love doesn't seek what's not there. Love accepts all pains to bear. Love that doesn't die is love we can't see. Love is just waiting for someone even if it turns to an empty sea." - Thayk Ferols

"Love is an unconditional acceptance of another person for everything.. not perfect, bittersweet." - Patty

"Read 1 Corinthians 13... Love is the fulfillment of all things. Love is unconditional... no ifs, no buts, no could-haves nor should-haves. It is giving without expecting something in return. Knowing that it doesn't have to be a two-way stree. It is forgiving and forgetting. It is the fulfillment of all things... Isn't this what life is for? To live is to love?... The most loving person is the happiest. let's spread the love girl." - Lucienne

"Love is patient.Love is kind... Corinthians ;-) ...It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud... Love is not self-seeking... Always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres." - Ghedi 

 "Love is accepting who the person is. Love is compromising - meeting half-way. Love is not selfish and possessive. 1 Corinthians 13:4" - Kakai Piloto

 "Read 1 Corinthians 13" - Simsimi

"Love should be unconditional. Not selfish. Love is forgiving. Love is trust. Even if you don't say it often to the one you love, you both know it's there just by showing each other that you care." - Jen White

"for me, love is relative. your idea, your definition of it depends on how you feel towards your "current" person. somehow you try to squeeze it in and mold it to fit the current situation. you paint a picture in your head on how the future and forever looks like with that person. love is acceptance. unconditional and limitless. i guess that's how love works." - Rhodora(rhodoramania.blogspot.com)

"Love is unconditional." - Boyet Alvarez 

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Where there is love, there is peace. True love waits." - Joy

"Love makes you think wiser, gives you strength and will guide you to the right path." - Shiela

"Love is a feeling towards another person. Na gusto nimo makauban ug makita siya always, bahala nag di mo magstorya. Basta kauban ra mo." - Lui

"Love is supposed to make people happy. If you are not happy, then it's not love." - Ingrid 

 "Love truly is a commitment. A commitment to care, to nurture, to help bring out the best in that person and to give the best of yourself." - Shelley

"Love is undefineable (if there is such a term), but definitely, it's more of a decision than a feeling." - a friend who changed her name to anonymous lol

"Love is a strong affection." - Anne Relampagos

"Love is a special feeling that even a good scientist can't explain." - Ian Valdez

"Love is an act of giving yourself to someone whole-heartedly. This is both a choice and a risk. You choose to love and you risk being loved or end up with unrequited love. But love does not stop there. Because the act of loving in itself humanifies one and trancends in so many ways." - Edgie Uyanguren

"Love is the 7 years between where i am to where you are. Boris inspired!" - Den(tutuontherun.com)

" Love is unconditional. Because you should accept everything, go through with him without hesitation, though not recklessly but wholeheartedly. Love is when you let go for the one you love." - Sir Anthony 

"Love is like heaven but it can hurt like hell.-anonymous. Love is patient. Love is selfless. Love is a sacrifice." - Jeni 

"Love can inspire you, hurt you or destroy. love can move mountains, cross the entire universe.Ang Gugma Makalipay, Makabu-ang, Maka Payat og di maka kontrol Maka patay!hehehehe." - Cristina Herrera

"Love is not blind only lovers can not see!" - Uncle Dante

"Te, here's the best definition of love, by my standards - “Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.” - Paulo Coelho" - April

"Love for yourself. Love hurts." - Chez 

"Love is a decision. It's not all about feelings. Coz that GREAT feeling will eventually change. In time, sweet things will turn bitter and worse, sweet will turn sour. Once you found love, you decide, you commit - long term.. Nurture it. If you won't, then love will fail and the relationship will fail." - Tutet 

"Love is "that" unconditional feeling. :)" - Chabz 

"You can't define love through words... But only actions..." - JPFlo 

"Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also imply choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love." - Macky

"Love is an extension of one's self." - Kittin

"Love is unconditional. Love is unselfish." - Bong Babiera 

so many definitions from different people from all walks of life.. sharing their own definitions of love from within. there are no right or wrong answers in here for love is truly subjective. what may be true to one may be contradictory to another. it all boils down to how you understand it, be it by experience or not.

and here's my own definition of love:

Love is a gift. It is a gift to be shared not kept. Love is making people smile, making people happy. Love is reminding others to have a positive outlook in life. Love is remembering, remembering memories of laughters and even heartaches. Love is being thankful of the past be it painful or not. Love is letting go and setting free of the person eventhough you are still holding on to the feeling. Love is waiting even for uncertainty. Love is loving on the third degree - no ifs, no buts, no reasons behind, you just love and take the risk. Love is loving yourself. Love is giving yourself to others. Love is Niji. LOVE IS SIMPLE. It is everyone around us... family, friends, pets, loved ones, everyone. It is everything we do for them.. plain and simple..  As i always say, LOVE is spelled as T-I-M-E. 

 before this entry will come to an end, i want to leave you all with this...

"But really sometimes we confine ourselves in the realm of romantic love when a simple giving of bread to the old lady in the footbridge is a grand display of love. the hushing  of a crying child, carrying a baby, smiling to a stranger, answering a friend's "What is Love?"... all these things manifest great love for others... There are many things to be happy about. There are many things to be in love about. Let's live it. Live, Love, Laugh."

-Lucienne

--- Let us all be LOVE-BELIEVERS! ---

Why I Love Seeing Rainbows

Double Alaskan Rainbow ..photo from wikipedia

i love seeing rainbows. 

why? because ....

1. they remind me that there's always a brighter beginning after a gloomy rainy day. 
2. they remind me that when black and gray finally disappear, red-orange-yellow-green-blue-indigo-violet combine their powers to create a beautiful multicoloured arc.
3. they remind me that the moon is well-guarded when they begin to circle it at night.
4. they remind me that i was once a kid dreaming on sliding on them.
5. they remind me that i once believed that there's a pot of gold at the end of it.
6. they remind me of my answered prayers.
7. they simply make me happy.

for months i have been waiting to see a real rainbow.. and finally i did..

Thank You Lord for the gift of colorful life!

*Sometimes we have to put up with the rain, before we can see a rainbow* 

10 Things I Want You to Remember

I have asked this question to myself a hundred times, "What do i want people to remember in me when the future comes to steal the day?". I am not part of the royal family that people will surely speak highly of me. I am not an actress that people will talk about the movies i made or the awards i got. I am just an ordinary girl, living an ordinary life, in an ordinary world. So what then will the people around me say when they come together and talk of me?

there are 10 things that i would like people to remember when they think of me.

i want to be remembered as  the girl....

1. who could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own. making other people happy even in your own down days is not that easy. but as much as i can, i smile and act as if nothing is bothering me cos i have always believed that emotions are contagious. if you are happy, those  people surrounding you will also be happy. (well, unless she's your enemy, she will feel otherwise. lol). 
2. who can be anybody's true friend. all my mom's friends would agree that my mom is really a good one, an ideal best friend i should say. and all throughout my lifetime, i have been trying my best to follow her footsteps but failed a hundred times. she doesn't hold grudges, i do. she easily forgives, i don't. truth is, i can easily make friends and i can guarantee true and lasting friendship. i value loyalty much and finds betrayal between friends unforgivable. and that's where the problem starts. it's just so sad that i already lost some. but one thing is for sure, i don't hate without valid and validated reasons. so if you are complaining, please think twice and evaluate. i love my friends, i would protect and keep them the best way i can, so i don't just ditch any of them. 
3. who has always believed in LOVE. yes, for the nth time i will forever be grateful that i was given the chance to experience love on the third degree. love may have chosen to fly away but still it is not a reason to easily give up. no i don't hate him. i never reached that point. although sometimes i see myself asking for it. i have always believed  that i have to be enraged inorder for me to make moving on easier. but sadly, that is not the case, it was never the case. guess, my feelings are much more powerful than the hate and anger  i've been wanting to have. now i'm just hoping for the best. soon. i also want to be remembered as a loving daughter who would give my fam the best life i could (well, that i have to work on. lol) and the best mom for my Pretty Baby Niji who have been my constant companion for more than a year now.
4. who invests much on memories. i'm into saving memories.taking pictures has been my passion. i have always believed that it's good to have something to remind us of the past, both good and bad. i don't have a car but i already bought four cameras to date. i gave the last one i bought to my little sissy, while the first one is still alive but barely breathing. lol. my cams are my prized possessions that's why i can't just lend it to anyone.
5. who has the sunniest disposition in life. i am not the type of person who just sits still, shuts my mouth and watch everybody else do their stuffs. honestly, i can't really shut my mouth. well, zipping my mouth only happens in three situations: when i'm pissed off /angry, when i'm sleepy and not on the mood and when i'm sleeping. so most of the time you will see me chatting with friends, old and new. i love to see people smile and laugh. it makes me happy inside. that's why as much as possible i want to display a happy me when i'm with them. i love reminding people to get rid of the negative vibes even though sometimes i tend to forget to apply it. i just want the people around me to be happy. simple as that.
6. who keeps on sending inspirational messages. i have been sending daily inspirational and devotional messages to friends on my phonebook. but there was a time that i suddenly stopped thinking i could no longer do it. it was not because i found the act a bit costly but because i found it inappropriate. i was then at my lowest point. the world seemed to stop around me. i ceased running. i stopped doing zumba. i ate a lot but lost weight even more in the process. i was just holding on to the little faith i had. and so i stopped texting. but now i realized, my friends may need it more than i do. their thank yous and amens are food for my heart. and that's what keeps me going.
7. who loves running. i've been running for years. i have done a number of  runs, both early morning and night runs. it has been my passion. my body started to look for it. my body was loving every step i made. it was actually a few hours break from reality. when i run, all i think of is finishing the race. i call it my life from the starting line to the finish line. nobody dictates you what to do when you are inside the race. it's like leaving everything you are worrying about for a few minutes or hours. i just love running. it's not also all about the race. it's more of gaining confidence and pride while meeting new friends in the process. i miss my runaways family. i suddenly stopped running and it has been months now, since february 2012 to be exact. it was when i got a knee injury plus a broken heart all at the same time. i want to go back soon. i will go back really soon. keeping my fingers crossed. see you all!
8. who has her way with kids. ever since, i have always loved babies and kiddos. my mom knows that well. they remind me not to complicate life and be happy with just anything. even my nieces and nephews love to stay in my bedroom and play. i have stored candies, crayons, water colors, color pencils, drawing book, toys and stuffs. i even prefer watching cartoons more than any series or movies. i don't know but kids make me happy. their smiles are so precious. their laughters are music to my ears. i just love how simple things make them happy. i even dream of spending my next birthday with kids with cancer. hopefully, i can do it. 
9. who looks like a total biatch but a real girl next door in disguise. i love wearing skimpy shorts, body-hugging dresses, sexy bikinis and stuffs like that. i've got a number of sexy beach photos which people may think that i'm overly exposing myself to others. i am not  the conservative type when it comes to dressing up or having photoshoots with friends. i also find it easier to mingle with guys than girls. well, this is me. people may have tagged me accordingly basing on those. well, that doesn't affect me much though. just so you would know, i had my first relationship when i was already working. and that i only had ONE boyfriend at my age of 30 which actually lasted for seven years, and a long distance relationship. and i'm proud to say that i never played around. so i guess it would be safe to say that you should scratch out your notion of me being a playgirl now. lol. looks can be decieving hunny. well, actually i can easily be a biatch if i really want to. well, anybody else can.
10. who loves adventure. i am an adventure-seeker. i am the type of person who loves to try new stuffs and visit new places. i don't settle with what's conventional. i even travel alone. well, i find spending alone time away from home exciting and comforting. it's always good to explore new destinations, try new delicacies, learn more about their culture and meet random people, without worrying about anyone but yourself. i'd like to do an inverted zip, bungee jump and learn how to swim so i can join a triathlon. well, hopefully soon. i actually got a number of things to do. i just hope i can do it all especially the travelling part.

so how then will you talk of me? 

Seduction Secret #58: Don’t apologize for what you want. Go after it. -Victoria's Secret

LOVE on the THIRD DEGREE

have you been in love? oh yeah surely, like everybody else.
have you been hurt? yeah surely, it's part of the package.
but have you loved somebody on the third degree? well, maybe.

i took out my notebook earlier to supposedly take some notes.
i swear i tried to listen but my mind kept on wandering from time to time.
and at the end of the day, i wrote nothing but a single line that goes:
LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.  -07.21.2012

oh crap! that must say it all.
guess my heart finally found a way to say it.

so what does it mean then?

well,

when at the start of a relationship, you clearly know that you are heading nowhere..
but you still opted to continue and take the risk,
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when you think distance doesn't matter in a relationship,
and you try to ignore thoughts on what's happening on the other side while you are away..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when the man you love is not that easy to love,
but you took the risk and still managed to sway with the relationship for years..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when you know you have high regards with your pride,
but unknowingly give it up for someone..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when you feel hurt over and over again for petty or big reasons,
but you still care and show even more love..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when you have a long list of relationship and trust issues,
but disregard everything because your love is far greater than them..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when he finally asks you to stop,
but you don't and decide to still hang on and hold on to your hope..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when everybody around you tells you to leave cos it's all not worth it,
but you still cling to whatever you are feeling cos it makes you happy,
and you even come to his defense and leave everything between you and him..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

when you are given all the possible reasons to hate him,
all the things he has done, the mistakes and the absence,
all have been laid down to you..
but still you don't feel hatred towards him that's why you can't move on..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

giving up something you really don't want to give up
because somebody already gave up
and you want that somebody to be happy even at your expense..
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

and after everything, you decide to give him what he wants and let him be happy,
but still you silently and patiently wait and sing to yourself  "I WON'T GIVE UP ON US!"
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

Oh yes! waiting endlessly for something that you are not sure if you'll still have in the end,
that's LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

yes it's giving everything.
it's like burning yourself to the core until you feel nothing.
no pain, no heartbreaks, just numbness, just love.
you just love.. you just love unconditionally.
no ifs, no buts, you just love.
people say when you love, leave something for yourself.
never give your 100% in a relationship.
but the fact is,
u will never really know how much you have given until everything comes to an end.
you will not even realize you stopped doing the things you love to do,
and lose weight even without doing anything
cos you were busy enough catering to your bleeding love.
you will not realize it cos when you love, you just give and give and never do any counting.
you will not even realize you have given all not until you have nothing more to give..
as i always say,
the pain and heartbreak you'll feel definitely depends on your emotional investment.
cos in a relationship, the TRUTH is:
ONE WILL LOVE LESS, AND THE OTHER WILL LOVE MORE.
so lucky are those who love less for they can easily take another course.

LOVE ON THE THIRD DEGREE.

Sexy Beach

went to a government office today.

i'm sorry to say, but i'm really disappointed on how their system works.

such a waste of time.

i was there the whole day and didn't even finish my transaction.

aarrrrgggghhhhh! if only i can have somebody to do it for me,

then i won't hesitate paying.

had the best fresh Lumpia in the City for a super late lunch at Dencia's.

plus a bowl of Goto. super busog!

and i came across this image on a magazine.

oh yeah! i want to be sexy on the beach!