Death of a Rose

i used to have the most beautiful roses at the office but today was different. a rose died with me. it was midnight when i came across a shocking news that made me somewhat question my self worth. the idea was open to me but i did not realize it could happen this soon. it was just unacceptable. 

so here's the scenario. he recently got married. yes, my past married his new girl last month. it felt like i was stabbed directly a hundred times straight to the heart when i came to know it. at that very moment, my heart skipped a beat. i could not breathe and literally i felt my heart crushed.at that moment, i died in an instant.

so what then if he got married? he's already part of my past, why should i be affected? before you judge me, please try to hear my side. he broke up with me last year. our seven-year long distance relationship officially ended on the last week of june 2012, informally. yes, informally. he broke up with me on a chat. he stopped talking to me when i started to confront him about something i found out, that i for sure had the right to know. i took his silence as an admission and his easiest way of saving his ass for something he could not find a perfect excuse with. that was on a february. i tried contacting him every possible way i could think of, bombarding him with messages on his phone and emails. for months i did that. what can you expect of me, people get crazy when they fall madly inlove right? then came june. right after my week in boracay, i got a little surprise again. this girl who happened to be a dermatologist in manila posted a picture of the two of them at his condo and made it her profile pic. reading the comments, it was pretty obvious that they are a couple. i believe the picture was taken in between december-january 2012 when we were still together. i tried to talk to him. sent him an email trying to ask for an explanation. but then again i failed. to get everybody on the right time frame, it was on June 24, 2012 that he finally sent me a message. we had a serious conversation over messenger.

IM Jun 24, 2012 6:34:59 PM

6:23:29 PM  G: Y

6:24:04 PM  ceangy: I have to ask you something

6:25:34 PM  G: Ano

6:26:25 PM  ceangy: Kayo na ba o tayo pa?

6:27:50 PM  G: Saan k ba

6:29:34 PM  G: Kala ko wala na tayo

6:30:06 PM  ceangy: Ha? I didnt know that

6:30:29 PM  ceangy: I waited for you to say it

6:30:40 PM  G: Hindi na tayo nag usap

6:30:55 PM  G: I think mas ok na ganun

6:31:01 PM  ceangy: U stopped talking

6:31:13 PM G: And u 2

6:31:30 PM  ceangy: U should have told me. I waited for u endlessly

6:31:47 PM  G: I cant say it

6:31:59 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:32:08 PM  G: Bec i like u a lot

6:32:31 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:32:39 PM  G: And we not leveling up

6:32:42 PM  ceangy: And what happened?

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: Cos u were distancing urself

6:33:16 PM  ceangy: U were never really open to me

6:33:18 PM  G: Ya

6:33:52 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:34:03 PM  ceangy: U know how much i feel for u right?

6:34:07 PM  G: Bec i dont want to hurt u

6:34:20 PM  G: I know

6:34:59 PM  ceangy: U r hurting me by not talking

6:35:00 PM  ceangy: I waited

6:35:16 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u only talk when u want to talk

6:35:25 PM  G: I cant commit

6:35:44 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:35:45 PM  G: If i talk

6:35:59 PM  G: Recycle ulit tayo

6:36:06 PM  ceangy: Who asked u to?

6:36:10 PM  ceangy: I know that from the start. U were never into commitment

6:36:19 PM  ceangy: But i gambled

6:36:33 PM  G: Til when

6:37:30 PM  ceangy: Til u ask me to stop

6:37:52 PM  G: I love u pero hangang doon lang

6:38:08 PM  ceangy: Did i ask for more?

6:38:16 PM  G: Stop n lang

6:38:29 PM  ceangy: Did i ever ask u to marry me?

6:38:39 PM  ceangy: I never did that

6:38:49 PM  G: No

6:38:58 PM  G: Pero paano ka

6:39:05 PM  ceangy: Kse alam ko u were never into it

6:39:32 PM  G: Hangan ganito lang ako

6:39:33 PM  ceangy: Anong paano ako?

6:39:53 PM  G: Waiting for nothing

6:40:06 PM  ceangy: I never asked u to be more than what u are

6:40:20 PM  G: I know

6:40:50 PM  G: Pero i cant stay with this kind of relationship

6:41:01 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:41:14 PM  G: Either u move out or me

6:41:18 PM  G: Out

6:41:39 PM  ceangy: Y?

6:42:06 PM  G: Kasi pag nagusap pa tayo baka will start it again

6:45:28 PM6:42:14 PM  G: Tapos wala din

6:42:25 PM  ceangy: Y r u afraid of that?

6:42:30 PM  G: I know u love me a lot

6:42:35 PM  G: Same here

6:42:41 PM  G: Pero

6:42:51 PM  G: I cant be with u

6:42:53 PM  ceangy: Bakit kelangan ganito?

6:43:09 PM  ceangy: Y ?

6:43:25 PM  G: Siguro ganun lang siguro tayo

6:43:53 PM  G: So better to be a good friend cguro

6:44:34 PM  ceangy: Kse kayo na?

6:44:35 PM  G: I have 2 go now

6:44:36 PM  ceangy: It started in boracay right?

6:44:52 PM  ceangy: Go?

6:44:52 PM  G: Talk to u later

6:45:06 PM  ceangy: Lets talk later

6:45:17 PM  ceangy: We have to

---end of conversation---

"i can't commit." oh yeah.. but after a few months you're married??? now where would that put me?? i began to question myself. am i not a wife material??? have i not been a good girlfriend for seven years??? did she know he was still taken that time??? i don't know what to feel. i was too numb and confused to think. my mind stopped working. i could not understand everything. as far as i know, their relationship started before ours officially ended. and he married her in an instant? we still had our last conversation on my birthday month, and that would be August. we had a good chat that time. we had flirting going on again. but he proposed to her by the end of last year? you tell me how am i supposed to feel?!

i knew it was coming. but i never thought it would happen this fast. i was still on the moving on thing. it  was already clear to me that we are not really getting back together. yes, honestly i was pretty sure of that.i don't think things would be the same after what he did if he ever comes back. but i was still hoping for a more decent closure. i was still praying for that explanation to come to at least put my heart to ease. seven years is seven long years, not seven months, not even seven days. come to think of it, how can we not decently talk about how to end it the right way?!  not even a single call came. no nothing.

i tried to find comfort that midnight. good thing my little buddy Niji was in the house to bring some love. i hugged her tightly. it was just so comforting. i tried to talk to some friends. i just have to find those people who are ready to listen. i just have to release even a bit of what i'm feeling. i tried to understand everything but i really couldn't. now i think why a friend's message got stucked on my mind. he was totally  right, I DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND anything. i just have to go through it.

but for now, i have to take some time alone to think and reevaluate myself.  TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. BUT NOW IS NOT YET THE RIGHT TIME TO DO IT... i know   i should forget everything and move on but i don't want to force it. JUST LET ME BLEED FOR NOW. i will  for sure get myself back. i owe that to myself. i definitely can't wait to travel and fly away and feel at ease again. i just want to be happy. and i don't think that's too much to ask. i actually posted these notes on my phone the day before that incident happened. maybe this is God's answer to my prayers.

yes, a day before that, i was already claiming that i would finally fall in love perfectly with the one this year and be truly happy. and looking at this now makes me realize that maybe this is God's way of answering my prayers. maybe the time has finally come to put everything to a sudden stop. i could not do my moving on/ moving forward slowly anymore. everything has to stop. i could not possibly fall perfectly inlove with someone if i won't let go of that person who i was once madly inlove with. i am a love-believer and i haven't ceased to be one after everything that has happened. yes, everything happens for a reason. and indeed, what's meant to happen will happen.

and i am very much thankful for those people who never turned their backs on me. you know who you are. you will always be remembered. thank you so much. 

someday i will come across this post again and will be reminded of everything. but when that time comes, i know i will have that smile on my face. and i will be proud of myself for getting through this.definitely, i am claiming it!

honestly, i still wish them the best. and i hope love will never leave them. i am hurt now but still i am okay.